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June 04, 2014

American Spring Has Begun

Moscow, Russia–In a television interview that is rocking world politics, Russian President Vladimir Putin told Sky News the United States is in the early stages of a revolution.
Two Peas in a Pod


“Yes I believe an American Spring has begun, and I am not talking about the birds and the bees the flowers and the trees,” said a resolute Putin during a television interview on Saturday.

As the reporter smiled off camera at the thought of having such an exclusive, Putin continued with his explanation, “Ukraine was easy, but we have been trying to bring down America for years with no luck at all; they are tough nuts to crack.

“Then last year on Black Friday, two of my sleeper agents were almost mauled to death by a bunch of ditzy broads at a Walmart in Illinois. That’s when it hit me: our testosterone-filled show of force full of nuclear arms and big tanks wasn’t doing jack squat, but selfish greedy American women just may be our answer.”

Putin revealed to the reporter how Russia’s daring plan took shape. “We got wind that Disney’s new movie Frozen was going to be a blockbuster hit, maybe their biggest movie since The Little Mermaid. I really love that movie, The Little Mermaid. Isn’t it great when that crazy chef is chasing the crab all over the castle? Reminds me of when I chased that drunken stooge Yeltsin around the Kremlin. He was half in the bag one time and I jumped out of the closet dressed as Bill Clinton and said boo, 2 days later he resigned and I took over. Oh wow, those were the good old days.

Sorry to get off track, but I am the most powerful man in the world so I can do whatever the hell I want, ha ha. I call the shots, not Washington! I could do some naked twerking on national television with Miley Cyrus and no one could do anything about it. I think I need a lady with some more meat on the bones though…. Would somebody give Miley a cheeseburger or a bratwurst or something, for crying out loud? She is starting to look like Karen Carpenter!”

The reporter did finally get President Putin to elaborate on how he managed to get Americans all riled up into revolution mode. Apparently the Russian Government purchased a massive amount of Frozen dolls in order to create a giant void in the anticipated demand for Elsa dolls after the movie’s release. “We kind of thought those crazy bitches would go insane if they couldn’t get their little brats the hottest item of the year,” Putin stated.

It appears to have worked, as mothers are staging protests all over America for the lack of inventory of the new Elsa doll. Police have had to use tear gas in several instances to hold down the riots at several Disney stores.
“While they are dancing in the streets to their rock and roll, drinking their Starbucks, watching their American football, and screaming for more Elsa dolls, they probably won’t even notice the Russian flag rising above their egotistically fat heads.” With those final words from Vladimir Putin, the interview ended as Putin walked off the television set, iPhone in hand, humming along to The Carpenters “Touch Me When We’re Dancing.”

December 12, 2013

Chinese President Enraged at No-Touch Zone

Beijing, China--Tensions between Chinese President Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan are continuing to escalate over Peng's controversial No-Touch Zone. While the Chinese President refuses to recognize such a zone, his adviser's are strongly insisting he comply.
Peng Liyuan and Chinese President Xi Jinping

"This is a very slippery slope for President Jinping," according to U.S. State Department Spokesman
Emmett Fitz-Hume. "On one hand, if Xi Jinping refuses to recognize the zone, he could face years of sanctions from Peng Liyuan. On the other, if he agrees to go along with her No-Touch Zone, he will look like a weak pussy to all of his communist party buddies."

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney agrees that this could spell disaster for the Chinese President, "Can you image the ribbing he would receive at the Communist Party of China's Christmas Party, "Hey Xi, heard your wife is enforcing a No-Fly Zone of her own, ha ha ha."

The No-Touch Zone was enacted by Peng Liyuan due to an incident which occurred on Thursday the 28th of November. Jinping allegedly came home late from bowling smelling of alcohol. When Xi was looking for a little lovin', Peng refused and said she had a headache. Jinping apparently refused to listen to his wife and was subsequently forced to "sleep it off" on the couch. Enraged at his wife's refusal to submit, Xi told Peng that he would bag every floozy from here to Hong Kong.

President Obama, who recently admitted being "scared" of First Lady Michelle Obama, has reached out to the Chinese President with some marital advice. In a phone call between President Barack Obama and President Xi Jinping, Obama told Jinping that he should "...do everything his wife says if he ever again plans to invade her No-Touch Zone."

At the time of this publication there was still no indication if President Xi Jinping planned to comply with the No-Touch Zone. During a trip to the mall for some overdue shopping, Peng Liyuan was heard telling one of her friends that if Xi doesn't comply that she will run him over with a tank in the middle of Tiananmen Square.

One thing is clear, if Peng Liyuan is successful with her No-Touch Zone, she has the potential to become one of the most powerful people in the world.

August 11, 2013

Love Conquers All

Dear Dink,

There is a coffee and pastry shop that I have been frequenting every morning for the last 10 years. The coffee is very good, and their breakfast pastries are to die for, not only that it is close to my place of work.

The problem is the help is getting more and more difficult to understand. This shop is hiring more and more immigrants who don't seem to understand or speak English very well. I love this place but I am becoming increasingly frustrated with illegal immigrants taking over this country and not speaking our language.

I shouldn't have to learn another language just to get some damn coffee on the way to work! Is there an easier way to make them understand simple requests when I am ordering my breakfast? Is there some kind of device that will allow me to translate our VERY SIMPLE conversations?

At a loss for words

Dear words,

I think the problem is your hatred for immigrants is actually masking a very deep attraction for people of different ethnic backgrounds. First, you need to stop denying your love of brown people and give in to your deepest desires.

There is a language they will understand, a language that everyone from every part of the world understands. That language is the international language of love.

The next time you stop for coffee and pastries, instead of getting frustrated with the communication barriers, give a wink and and a smile, and introduce yourself as Francisco the Love Machine. Ask the pretty ladies for their phone numbers and tell them you want to teach them the English tongue.

Then text pictures of yourself in different erotic positions. I think they will appreciate your honest intentions at wooing them to your bedroom. (Depending on how well you can take and text pictures of yourself, you may just be perfect for a career in professional sports or politics.)

If, however, they are unresponsive to your attempts at showing them the international language of love, you will need to resort to something more drastic in order to get their attention.

When you order coffee, tell them you want some ice in your coffee. Don't just say I want some ice in my coffee, you need to scream "ICE" as loud as you can. Do it like this, "Can I have some ICE in my coffee please?" Scream ice and mumble the rest, that oughta work. Maybe that is a bit drastic, and I think they might understand more than they are letting on.

I am on the road traveling quite a bit in my professional line of work, and I frequently interact with people of different ethnic backgrounds from many different places in the world. I honestly have yet to run into anyone who does not speak and understand English fluently.

My guess is you have been acting like a giant boob and they are just have a little fun with you by pretending not to understand anything you are saying. So drop the bigoted attitude and start enjoying your interactions with the many different people of the world. Otherwise you never know what you might find floating in your coffee.

Bob Barker Arrested, Rats are Tasty


Chicago, IL - What was it that Bob Barker said at the end of every Price It Right television show, “Help control the animal population, have your pet spayed or neutered”? Barker’s persistent phrase just might have spelled the end to his new career in womanizing.
It seems that as the stray cat population has decreased, Chicago’s rat population has increased tenfold in the last 20 years. This appears to be the case in many of the larger metro areas in the United States.

“Barker got rid of the cats, now he can get rid of the rats”, said City of Chicago Deputy District Attorney Mike Maloney. “We’ll see how he likes his stance on cats when he is up the river in the pen, my guess is he will be taking a much different stance at shower time, if you catch my drift” Maloney added.
Barker’s legal team and publicist have yet to release a statement. A former neighbor of Barker did comment on the situation though, Debbie Stanton lived next door to Barker for 17 years.

"Everyone always thought his statement about spaying and neutering came from his deep love of animals, but he actually hated cats. Bob Barker was an evil son-of-a-bitch who plotted to rid the world of cats. I remember one day he was dropping cats off of his roof into the Plinko board from his game show, I think he was trying to get them to not land on their feet.”

Dale Smith, who lives next to Barker now, was shocked at Barker’s arrest, “He was always very quiet, kept to himself. He really seemed like a nice guy. I never thought he was capable of causing a giant rat problem.”
Maybe rats aren’t all bad. An author from Arkansas is offering up a solution to Chicago’s rat problem. Gerald Arneson wrote the book, “Let’s All Go to the Kitchen and Get Ourselves a Rat”.  “Chicago will fall in love with this lovely cuisine, I’m sure of it. What’s not to love, anything is better when it’s fried on a stick”, said Arneson, who runs a rat dog stand in Little Rock.

Hmmmm, Chicago Style Rat Dog’s, it does have a certain ring to it. Will ketchup be allowed or just mustard and relish?

Arneson also said rat meat is great in chili, for burgers, taco salad, just about anything. “It doesn’t taste like chicken, but it is a very lean meat”, Arneson said as he skinned rats in the garage of his suburban Little Rock home. “It’s kind of like beef, only rat meat has kind of a rotten lettuce smell. Just load that sucker up with salt and sauce and you have yourself a little piece of heaven”.

This satirical story was origionally posted on GlossyNews.com by Dink the Shrink
http://glossynews.com/entertainment/celebrity-gossip/201307140635/bob-barker-arrested-rats-are-tasty/

July 27, 2013

Easy Transmission Fix

How much will it cost to fix or replace a transmission for a 2005 Pontiac Vibe?

Dear whoever the hell you are,

I think you meant to go to ask.com, this is "askdink.com". Hey, its not your fault your stupid. But since I dispense great advice I will give this a shot.

Actually, you are probably better off asking me anyway because you won't get a straight answer on those help websites. It seems that the no-it-all flamers that answer questions on help forum sites are hellbent on belittling people rather than giving anyone a straight answer. They will give you a bunch of garbage talk like "it depends on where you live", or "the cost will depend on several factors", and then your question goes unanswered. Hey jackasses, just give them a damn answer somewhere in the ballpark, kapeesh?

Now for the problem at hand. Go to your local auto parts store and purchase one of those cool little roll under the car thingy's. It looks like a board on wheels and allows you to roll under the car while laying on your back. The auto parts stores can be daunting if you don't know where to look, but I think they usually put these next to the blinker fluid section.

First, roll under your car and take a look at your tranny. Unless you have some transsexuals living at your place, you should be looking at a long sort of cylindrical piece of metal that looks much like a bomb. Next, take a hammer and start beating the tranny like Tony Soprano. I think it helps if you throw in a few choice cuss words while your hitting the piece of $#!& (trying to keep this PG13).
This is a transmission-beat it senseless

When you come out from under your car throw the hammer across your garage. Then, grab a few wrenches and a screwdriver and do the same with those as well, and keep cussing throughout. Just make sure you hit a wall and not a window or a wife. This process is tried and tested as it seemed to work for my dad when I was growing up. Get in your car, turn the key and take 'er for a spin.

If this didn't fix the problem, then you will probably be better off abandoning your car somewhere, like maybe the corporate headquarters of the company who sold you the $#!&pile in the first place.

Don't bother getting any quotes from a mechanic, or worse, a specialty transmission shop. They will ask for your life's savings and first born child in order to fix or replace your transmission. "Oh, but it takes so long to fix a transmission, its really hard work" is probably what you will hear when they hand you the quote which will come on a dot matrix printout long enough to circle the Earth twice.

In reality, you will probably be able to find a used car for less money than it would cost to actually fix your transmission. Pretty sad, but if they are going make disposable cars and then ask you to bend over when it breaks, it is time we start treating these cars as disposables. Much like a printer or a cheap computer, when it breaks, take a sledge hammer to it and get another one.

Important Disclaimer: Take advice at your own risk. Dink the Shrink, this website, any authors, the administrator, and especially the webmaster are not responsible for damage or bodily injury to yourself or your property, or anything/anyone else. It is probably actually best if you don't follow any of Dink's advice. He knows nothing from anything, he is a self-involved bullshit artist that should not be giving advice to anyone. He still hasn't paid me a dime for all of my hard work and he is a flaming jackass!
Webmaster





June 02, 2013

10 Most Common Interview Questions-And How to Nail Them

You applied for a job and got an interview, great. Now you have to prepare for the interview by preparing answers for the questions you will be asked. Here are some of the most frequently asked interview questions and how you should answer them.


1.     Can you tell me about yourself?

I don’t like stupid people, so you better do your best to keep them away from me. I consider myself a whisky connoisseur. I like to scare the neighborhood kids at Halloween and steal their candy, it’s a hoot.

2.     What is your biggest weakness?

You only want one weakness, thank God. I’m kind of lazy, actually very lazy. I just don’t like to work very hard, because, well, working sucks. So if you can find something for me to do that takes very little effort, like maybe watch TV or surf the web, that would be great.

3.     Why are you looking for a job?

Why else, I need to make some money Jack. I have those pesky things, oh you know, BILLS, and they aren’t going to pay themselves. Besides, the last job I had didn’t go so well.

4.     Why do you want to work here?

I don’t. I just need a damn job, okay. I don’t believe in your company or your stupid products. And that silly jingle you have on the radio has got to go.

5.     Can you tell me about a time when you had a conflict with a co-worker and how you resolved it?

Yeah, I hated my co-worker Larry, he was just a dick. Imagine his surprise when he left work one day thinking his house was on fire only to find his tires slashed. I fixed that son-of-a-bitch.

6.     Why should I hire you?

Are you kidding? Have you seen those losers out in the waiting room?

7.     Tell me about a time when you experienced a failure and how you reacted to it.

Probably when I was fired from the Country Kettle. I loved that job, all the free food I could eat, and I could be snotty with the customers. I think I went on a 3 week bender when I lost that job.

8.     Describe your ideal co-worker.

Smelly hippy women who don’t shave their armpits. I like to make puppet shows with my hands and it works better with real hair.

9.     What are your salary requirements?

Just fill up a brief case full of cash every 2 weeks and meet me in the parking garage, level  C1.

10.   Do you have any questions for us?

When is lunch, and when can I take vactaion?

Let’s face it, the vast majority of us aren’t out there working jobs we love, we are just working to live and survive. So please stop with the crap questions and let’s get down to business-you need labor and I need money, period.

Employers don’t want honest answers to interview questions. They want you to tell them what they want to hear so they can feel good about themselves when they make a hire. They want everyone to pretend that they actually like working for the company and have a lot of company pride.

Normally I would suggest being honest at all times. However, if you actually want to be hired, then you better be prepared to lie through your teeth to the rubbish questions they will ask you. What a great way to enter into a business partnership.


May 20, 2013

Powerball Winner Revealed

Zephyrhills, Florida--A sleepy little resort town near Tampa, Florida is now home to the largest Powerball jackpot winner ever.  A lottery spokesman for the Florida Lottery confirmed the winning ticket was sold at a local grocery store in Zephyrhills. The winning numbers from Saturday’s Powerball drawing were 10, 13, 14, 22, and 52, with a Powerball of 11.

Up to this time, only losers had come forward. In a press conference at the grocery store where the winning ticket was sold, the Powerball winner revealed his identity. Richard Smacker of Sheboygan, WI announced he has the winning Power Ball ticket worth more than half a billion dollars. Mr. Smacker and his wife Melissa were on vacation when Richard purchased the winning Powerball ticket. In Smacker’s words he was “A loyal lottery player”.

Smacker, 48, who works as a telephone customer service representative for a large cable television company in Wisconsin, says he probably will not be keeping his job. “Are you kidding me, who asked that stupid question, I just won 600 million dollars Jack! I’m not going back to that $H#!hole, in fact, I’m going to call my boss right now and tell him to take his EOS reports and stick em’.  And I’m not gonna stop there; I’m gonna burn every bridge I have. Why you ask would I do that, because I can!”

The crowd of residents and reports were mildly amused at Smackers attitude. Smackers wife, however, appeared uncomfortable and agitated.

When asked what he would do with the money, Mr. Smacker continued to amuse the crowd, and disgust his wife. “First, I will take my wife out for a fancy steak dinner at the Ponderosa. Then I’m going to blow of couple mil on booze blow and hookers, hell, maybe I’ll buy a hooker. Then we’ll all head to the horse track baby, woohooo! Actually, I think I will buy the damn horse track, why, because I can!

You know, I have had my eye on a really nice velvet rug picture with some wolves in the moonlight, and I just couldn’t afford that until now.

You can be damn sure I am going to build the biggest gaudiest house in Sheboygan, and I am going to have giant Roman style pillars in front. Maybe I will have the pillars built so they are flipping my neighbors off, ha ha.”

Near the end of his press conference, two women in bikinis approached Smacker with a case of ice cold Natural Ice beer and a carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes. “See that, look at what 600 million dollars can buy”, said a jubilant Smacker, “I bet you didn’t know they still made Lucky Strikes, well they do now.”

When Richard Smacker looked at his wife he noticed she wasn’t happy, and he started looking fearful for the first time. “Uh oh, looks like I will be sleeping on the couch tonight. Wrong! I can just stay down at the Roadside Inn, after all, I can afford to do whatever the hell I want. Actually, I think I will buy that damn hotel, why, because I can. Whose name is on that check, Richard Smacker!

Now if you will excuse us, were off to the races. No really, I just gotta see Jr. in action, go Dale!!!” With that, the Smackers were whisked away in a restored 1984 Pontiac Trans Am. The crowd of reporters and residents, now stunned by what they had witnessed, slowly left the grocery store parking lot grumbling amongst themselves.

Smacker plans on taking the lump sum payment which will net him around $370 million dollars.


This story is strictly satire and fictional. Real names and people have not been used, and any match to real persons or names is coincidental.

April 15, 2013

10 Things a Husband Should Never Say or Do

 
Hey all you manly men out there, if you want to avoid landing yourself in the dog house listen up. Over the years, Dink has said and done some pretty stupid things to earn some couch time.
 
Since I dole out great advice I figured I would share some tips to ensure you will stay out of the dog house and still get some action, if you catch my drift. Below are things you should never ever say or do to your blushing bride, and yes they are all true.
 
10. “She eats like a trucker, just not in front of other people.”
  • Big no no-I think I got 3 weeks on the couch for that one. In my head it was justified at the time.  My wife and I were newlyweds and had just arrived at an extended family holiday party after going out to dinner. My family insisted we grab a plate and dig in. Of course since I am a manly man I did as I was told and ate even more food. My lovely wife said she wasn’t hungry and received a few blank stares and then more insistence on eating. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable and also didn’t want my family to think she was anorexic. Nonetheless still not a good idea to say your wife eats like a trucker but not in front of other people.
9. When you’re pregnant wife arrives home from the doctor with shingles and a patch over her eye, pirate jokes are not funny.
  • “Arrrggghh, what’s for dinner me matey?” I probably could have chosen a different way to approach her. But since she was 8 months pregnant and didn’t want anything to do with me at that point I didn’t have to worry about being cut off, ha ha.
8. Also a good thing not to do when your wife is pregnant with your child and she is in the nesting stage: spill 12 quarts of jarred tomatoes on kitchen floor.
  • I still feel bad about that, that’s a lot of homemade chili I missed out on gosh darn it.
7. Something you should remember if your wife has just given birth and had the flu within the same time frame, do not, and I repeat, do not schedule a message.
  • Even if it makes sense because you are off from work don’t do it. Even If she tells you to go get a message she is lying. Just don’t go there. Probably a good idea to wait until you are a few months removed from any childbirth/flu situations. Hey, I am a manly man but I will take a massage any day (except for that day of course).
6. If your wife makes her living working outside during all seasons, don’t make comments about how you “love this weather” when a blizzard is approaching.
  • Not a good idea to plan blizzard party either. In other words, don’t be honest, pretend you hate     that kind of weather and try to empathize a little with the love of your life.
5. “At least if you slip you will fall into a snow bank.”
  • See here I was trying to make her feel better about having to go outside and work in a blizzard. After all, falling into a snow bank is better than falling onto a hard surface or ice, right?
4. Avoid starting any sentence with “By the way..”.
  • Whatever it is you are going to tell her probably won’t end well. “By the way, my buddies are coming over for the game this weekend”. “By the way, I spent $200 on some new fishing gear.” You should probably run things like this past your wife first to avoid that damn couch. At least give her the impression that the decisions you are making involve her.
3. Don’t do things that you have no knowledge of, i.e. don’t try to fix anything mechanical if you have zero mechanical ability.
  • This will not impress her and will lead to more embarrassment in the long run. I once tried to replace the belts on my riding lawn mower, sounds easy enough, right? Wrong!!! The embarrassment comes when your wife is laughing as you are turning over the lawn mower and a bag of parts to your local small engine repair shop.
2. Make the big anniversary’s count!
  • If you have a 10, 15, or 25 year anniversary, plan something BIG that will sweep her off he feet. For example, on our 10th anniversary when she asked what I thought we should do, in my infinite wisdom I said “I don’t know, what do you wanna do?” Big mistake! We hadn’t been on a real date in quite some time due to a colicky baby, and I thought just going out to eat would be sufficient. Boy how I was wrong. Make absolutely sure you have something grand planned, and not just a dinner or movie date. If you don’t have anything planned and you get that question, stall and say “You just wait, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet honey”, then get to work.
  • Also, if you are out to dinner on such an occasion as a big anniversary, any anniversary for that matter, do not order the biggest beer on the menu. A 32oz Tecate at a Mexican restaurant won’t make her think you are worldly.
1. Never, never, ever, ever compare pregnancy or childbirth to a sporting event.
  • Sports are a big part of my life, as they are for many men. So in my haste to empathize with my wife and show her that I understood what she was going through, I dared to compare childbirth to a track meet. Before a meet, you are very nervous. As the race begins, your adrenaline kicks in and you haul ass. But you have to be careful not to go to fast, and pace yourself throughout so you have enough energy to finish the race. Once you are to the final stretch, your heart pounding, you book it and give it everything you have until you reach the finish line. Only then do you relax in the exhaustion of what you just went through. Sounds accurate to me, my wife, however, wasn’t amused.
So guys, if you ever want to see your wife naked again heed my advice. Learn from my mistakes so you don’t end up with a stiff back. That’s another thing; make sure you have a couch which is comfortable to sleep on for many nights in a row.
 
Ladies, your man will make similar mistakes. Life is not Sleepless in Seattle.  Simply put, you are a braud and he is a stag. If you expect perfect romance, thoughtfulness, and steady hands all of the time then you can also expect him to come home one day with a rainbow sticker on his car window as he introduces you to his new girlfriend Steve. So put the romance novel down and cut him a little slack.

March 02, 2013

Bloomberg Bans Fun, Demands to be Called “Supreme One”

New York, NY – Mayor Michael Bloomberg is quickly building a legacy as a great protector for the people of New York City by helping people who simply can’t help themselves.

From the ne’er-do-wells who drink too much soda and smoke too many cigarettes, to, God forbid, people who use Styrofoam, the mayor is truly making a difference. In the annual State of the City speech, Bloomberg raised the stakes for his nanny-state yet again.

The following is an excerpt of the Mayor’s speech. The mayor began his speech with some harsh words for his city council.

“As we take a look back at 2012 and look ahead to this year, the state of our fair city couldn’t be better…HEY, Council Speaker Quinn, if you’re not going to pay attention to what I have to say, then at the very least you can keep your snarky off-handed comments to yourself. You know what, I demand to be treated with some damn respect by you people, so from now on you will now refer to me as The Supreme One. Now, may I continue Council Speaker Quinn? Thank you. Bitch.

Now if it were up to me I would make an all about ban on soda, tobacco, alcohol, and foods that make your ass fat, but the city attorney tells me that just isn’t legally possible at this time. So for from this day forth, I am moving to outlaw fun in the city limits. Yes you heard me right, anything fun is done.

You can have your little vices; soda, cigarettes, booze, strippers, I don’t really care, you just can’t have any fun! It’s very simple, if your smoking, you better look constipated and agitated, much the way a stock broker might look on Wall Street. If you’re trying to make a baby, scream from horror rather than pleasure. Remember, anything fun is done.

This also includes anything with the name fun. Fun size candy bars, done. You kids will be thanking me around Halloween for that one. After all, what’s fun about a little mini version of chocolaty heaven? Tell your cheapskate parents and neighbors they are just going to have to get the big candy bars from now on. Oh, you know those fried chip onion ring thingy’s, Funyuns, well they won’t be called Funyuns anymore if those junk-food peddling slouches want to sell them in my city. Also, that band that calls themselves Fun, you know, that band with the lead singer who looks like he could use a few cheeseburgers, well there will be no more shows played here, no radio airplays, nothing from them; carry on someplace else.

And another thing, the next time I bite into a Boston Crème Donut and find frosting instead of custard, I’m going to EXPLODE! Who does that? Use your damn leftover frosting for something else. If any of you pompous windbags continue putting frosting in my favorite fried breakfast, you’ll be banished, to New Jersey.

Furthermore, the next punk kid who throws, kicks, or drops another ball in my lawn, is going to get my foot up their ass! Stay off my grass; and quit cuttin’ through my lawn!

…Now if you’ll excuse me I have to be at my Billionaires of New York Club meeting in an hour. There’s a free open bar tonight and some fine Cubans, and I don’t wanna to be late.”

With that, the mayor, Bloomberg, oops, “The Supreme One” made a dash for his limousine waiting outside. The reaction from the council was mixed; some all in favor of his ban on fun, others very much opposed. Council Speaker Christine Quinn wasn’t at all fazed by The Supreme One’s harsh comments, “I’m just happy to get a little publicity as it won’t be easy to unseat The Supreme One in the upcoming primary”.

This story was originally posted on GlossyNews.com, the 2nd longest running website in satire.

http://glossynews.com/top-stories/politicos-and-polticians/201302210604/bloomberg-bans-fun-demands-to-be-called-supreme-one/#more-35388

January 20, 2013

Woman in Heat

Dear Dink,

I have been married for about 2 months. My husband and I have talked about having kids, but I'm not sure when the right time to have them is. Help?

Ovulating in Heat

Dear Heat,

The right time to have children is NEVER, ever ever. You've only been married for 2 months and already you’re talking about kids? Are you insane? You need to put the brakes on those impulses for at least a year or two. The honeymoon isn’t even over, and there are far more important things you should be doing in this part of your marriage.

Right now you should be thinking of nothing more than pleasing your husband. Other than giving it up to him at least 5 times per day, there is much more you need to be doing in order to make sure he is a happy man.

When your hubby gets home from a hard day of manly work, make sure you have an ice cold beer, or two, or three, waiting for him on a silver serving tray.  Then tell him to park it in front of the television and give him a nice shoulder and neck massage while he enjoys his first brew of the evening.

Over the weekend you could invite his friends over to watch "the game". Make sure to have all of his favorite foods: fried cheese curds, jalapeno poppers, pizza, chili, those little pickle ham and cream cheese thingy’s, and of course lots and lots of cold beer. You could add a nice touch by serving them in a French maid outfit or something slinky. Yes, you’re right, I'm daydreaming again, so what.

Now you ask what the hell does this have to do with having children?  I know you are ready to strike when the iron is still hot and start popping out little pukers, but it is way too early in your marriage to be doing that. You need to make your husband think he has hit the wife jackpot first. This is something that can take considerable time, but the payoff will be worth it.

Do you have to tramp around the house in slinky little silk teddys, serving ice cold beer and laughing at all of his stupid jokes?  Absolutely a must.  You obviously have never had a discussion with one of your lady friends or your mother about how to hook your man for good, otherwise you wouldn't be thinking about having children 2 months into your marriage.

You really need to continue to lay in on thick for a full year. Then it will be the right time to sink the hook and yank him into your boat for keeps, and that's when you tell him your pregnant. At that point you can tell him hands off, get your own damn beer, and no, your idiot friends cannot come over. You can also tell him to cook his own damn dinner from now on because he is the bastard that did this to you and he isn't gonna get anything from you ever again. My advice to your husband, get it while you can.

September 22, 2012

Hosed by a Ho

My fiancé has went to work on a oil rig camp. I thought everything was fine and I didn’t think much of all the horror stories I had heard...until a maid answered his phone one day...when he was in the shower and she was RIGHT there. Why would the maid be right in his room or so near his bathroom? Turns out they have been talking and texting when he goes on his night shift ALL night long as I saw his phone records. I can’t see much reason to seek out the maid to be so close with when your engaged?

Hosed in Canada



Dear Hosed,

Sounds to me like the maid is cleaning more than just his room. However, you did say the maid answered the phone while he was in the shower, so maybe that is a good sign as she very well could have been "in" the shower with your fiancé. The texting and talking all night long raises a few red flags, but I am an optimist. After all, she could be giving tips on how to scrub grout with a tooth brush, or how to properly dust with a feather duster. (The real question is what she was wearing while she was performing her "maid" duties. If you could get me some pictures I might be able to better determine her activities in your fiancé’s bedroom.)  Where you go from here.

If you do indeed believe your fiancé is not being faithful, and I think that is quite apparent, it is time to move on---immediately. Of coarse this isn't easy. You were planning to spend the rest of your life with this person (in today’s A.D.D. society that would be a few years at most). The first thing you need to do to move on is have a night on the town. Get your friends together and hit the bars, movies, bingo halls, whatever you do to have fun. Next, you need to one-up your fiancé and find a maid to do a little "cleaning" for you, maybe even try out a few maids and get the cleaning of your life. Then tell that hoser that thinks he is engaged that he can have his ho, and he is not going to have you.

Don't be the victim be the aggressor, you deserve better. Take control of your life. Life is way too short to be miserable.

(Question and answer originally posted on Advicenators.com
http://www.advicenators.com/column.php?u=DinktheShrink)

March 17, 2012

Green Beer for All!!!


Yet another holiday giving the masses an excuse to drink. Green beer, really? I prefer my beer with a little hair on it, the same way I like my coffee, black and sludgy. So for all of you light weights out there who prefer green colored water, Saint Patrick's Day is for you. It gives you the opportunity to get drunk at your local pub in the name of religion, and any good Catholic knows this process very well.

St Patrick's Day is a day for many to drink heavily, more so than they might normally. For the Irish, this is just another usual day of heavy drinking.

December 24, 2011

Bon(e-in) Appetit for Holidays!


For many children Christmas means one thing, presents. Children around the world anticipate gifts from family, friends, and last but definitely not least, Santa Claus. For adults a visit from Santa is always appreciated, however, the joy of eating good food with loved ones takes center stage.

Sharing a meal with family and friends during the holidays is as old as time itself. Even cavemen sat down to get their fill of turkey, prime rib, roast duck with mango salsa, pie, and cookies. The vegan cavemen and cavewomen sat down to enjoy some tofu turkey and other nutty dishes (why are vegetarians always trying to emulate meat dishes if they despise meat so much). So, why is it then, every year around the holidays, some writer or TV producer decides to run a story about eating healthy for the holidays? Are you kidding me?

This is the time of year to enjoy a few extra cookies, or a few extra pounds of cookies. This is the time of year for large rich dinners. Turkey, prime rib, a side of lasagna for the Italian families, meatballs, ham, mashed potatoes, dressing, undressing, cookies, pies, need I go on. Okay, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, pistachio fluff, and more turkey, prime rib, ham, lasagna, meatballs, potatoes, dressing, cookies, cookies, cookies, cookies, pie, pie, pie, and more pie. And not to leave out you wacky vegetarians, tofu turkey, tofu meatballs, tofu ham, tofu, tofu, and more tofu-just eat some damn meat already. Not to forget my friends in Russia and the Ukraine, vodka vodka vodka! It is no secret, Americans tend to over consume, especially when it comes to food. However, this is the time for over consumption, the one time of the year where it is not only accepted, but expected.

Try to enjoy the holidays. You should be counting dollars rather than calories. Also, while you're feeding your fat face this holiday season, try to remember those in need, like the starving homeless family staring in your window with tears of horror. Seriously, remember those in need over the holidays, but more importantly, when there are no holidays. And when you see another story about eating healthy or light for the holidays, take it with a grain of salt, and some gravy too.

November 12, 2011

Just Say No to Gold Diggers

Dear Dink,

I stumbled upon your site sort of by accident. You say you have answers so maybe you can help. I am 24 years old and considered a good looking guy. I work as a video production assistant for one of my local TV stations. I don't make much money but I have a good future as experienced professionals in this industry can make some good dough. I have recently started participating in dating dinners, where young professionals get together for dinner once a week and get to know each other. It is a fairly organized event, we each have 15 minutes to get to know others in a round robin musical chairs type of dinner. This experience has not been very enjoyable for me though. I have participated in two such dinners with very little luck. Often a woman's eyes light up when I tell them what I do for a living, and then I tell them about how much I make and it seems to turn them off. It is not a requirement to talk about our finances, but I have tried to leave this out and that doesn't seem to work either. Should I be doing something differently? Do I make a point not to tell them what I am making? I do have a bachelors degree in Mass Media, it just takes some time to get experience and build a resume in my field. Any advice?

Broke in Minnesota

Dear Broke,

There is only one thing you can do, tell them you are a wealthy Television executive. Just kidding. Continue to be honest with your prospective dates. If they don't like the fact that you aren't making a ton of money at this point in your young career, then you don't want anything to do with them anyway. Many young women today are looking for get-rich-quick men, and they are nothing more than GOLD DIGGERS!

Some would say that women are looking for security when they are looking for a mate, because they want to make sure that they, along with any future children, will be safe and "okay". I can understand this argument for women in their late 30's, but this concept makes no sense "at all" for someone in your age group. I could also understand a woman looking for nothing other than safety and security if this were the 1950's, when women stayed at home to raise the children while the husband went out to earn a living for the family. There is just one problem, this isn't the 1950's! This isn't how our society works anymore. Households today generally have two working adults and pool their wages for the common good of the family. Also, most women are deciding to have children much later than days of old, many waiting until they have finished college and established their careers before deciding to embark on motherhood and in many cases marriage itself.

So the next time this happens flat out call them a gold digger. No wait, don't do that or you will never get a date. These kind of women want it all, they want a man that is going to pull in $50,000-$150,000 per year, plus have their career, and raise a family. This is not reality. No Women, you can't have it all. Hey, try this, build your wealth together rather than trying to strike it rich instantly. It used to be that two people fell in love, got married, and started from scratch, and built their lives TOGETHER.

So, Broke, until you find true love, and someone who is willing to like or love you for who you are, rather than what you can give them, just keep looking. I truly believe there is someone for everyone. If you do find your true love, over time not only will your love grow, but your wealth will as well.

November 05, 2011

Selflessness in a Selfish World

I recently pondered how people seem to be getting more selfish in an already selfish society, otherwise known as the United States of America. I often feel sick when having to head out into the big bad world in order to earn a buck, just due to the thought of dealing with those who consider their needs before the needs of others. I do include myself in this group of selfish pigs, and I often wonder how we get to the point of not considering what other people might want or need before gratifying our own needs. I believe we are all selfish to some extent, some more so than others. This is after all just human nature. If we did not have a concept of self and a drive to fulfill our wants and needs, how would we as a race survive and continue to improve upon society? In other words this is what makes the world tick.

Success and the thought of success is selfish in nature. Obviously this is not necessarily a bad thing. If it were not for this internal drive we probably would not have many of the things we take for granted in our daily lives. Think of a world with no TV or radio, no internet, no McDonald's restaurants or pizza delivery, no automobiles, life-saving medical devices, and dare I say it, no cell phones, Facebook, or Twitter. Yes, many innovations and enterprises were not born from selfishness but rather the desire to make life better. Examples of "making life better" might be getting from point A to point B with a motorized carriage, or more quickly and easily sharing information between government entities by network computers (the internet). It is, however, those enterprising individuals who made innovations on products such as these in order to make a buck, and many have changed the world as we know it in doing so. Henry Ford innovated the motorized carriage making it possible for almost everyone to get around with horsepower instead of actual horses. Ray Kroc took a simple concept of the drive-in restaurant and built the fast food empire know as McDonald's. Steve jobs innovated music listening and the cellular phone taking not only his company to new heights, but changing the landscape of how we listen to music and communicate. Can't forget companies like Google and Twitter, which are now also known as verbs in our language (google and tweet). You have to admit our advanced society is pretty amazing, as we can talk or send a letter instantly to someone around the world while watching a live football game 30,000 feet in the air on the way to a business meeting in China. The self-drive of human beings, or selfishness, is what has brought us to this grand point in time. That doesn't mean we have to like it though.

People are very wrapped up in they're instant gratification, and we need "it" now!!! Think for a moment about how in the hell we arrived at this point in time. When we need an answer to something fast, most of us turn to Google. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner is served-in lest than 6 minutes at the local fast-food drive-thru restaurant. Need to vent about your boing life or awful boss, you probably already shared this with the rest of your Friends on Facebook or Twitter via your smart phone. Dammit, late again, you mean to tell me it is going to take you 45 minutes to go 30 miles on the expressway with your high-performance Toyota Camry? We need teleportation and we need it NOW!

In thinking about how our self-involved lives seem to be spiralling down the road to eternal damnation, I wondered if there is anyone among us still committing random acts of kindness. Is there anyone left thinking of others before thinking of their own needs? I didn't have to look far to find my answer. My wife is one of those few people who give so much yet get so little in return; and she doesn't expect to get anything in return. She chose to give up her career to stay at home and raise our children. In her words it wasn't a choice but her duty, and she truly believes this. She also believes that people who decide to bring children into the world and continue to pursue their careers are nothing but selfish, that they "don't" have a choice but to work. In her spare time between changing diapers, grocery shopping, and running our oldest to school, my wife continues to give herself to others. She is also a volunteer financial coach for those who are struggling with personal finances. And just the other night she noticed a young mother who looked a little depressed while sitting at a local restaurant at dinner time. My wife, free from being a mother herself for a few short hours, kindly knelt down next to this stranger to ask if she was okay. They shared parenting stories and a mutual understanding of the struggles and pressures of being the main caregiver. Who does that anymore? When is the last time a total stranger just stopped to help, or stopped to ask someone if they are okay? Well, take a look around, and there, hidden among the self-involved rest of us, you just might get a glimpse a living angel. Far and few between, but still out there are those who give so much of themselves to others for no salary, not thanks, no nothing.

Try something new, don't be a selfish pig. Do something for someone else. Put down the damn cellphone, give up the social media (at least for a day if not forever), and try to change the world, one person, one moment at at time. Ask not what others can do for you, but what you can do for others.

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