What to do with that Liberal Arts Degree

Dear Dink,

How can I make a pile of money fast?

I have a lot of debt from my college education, credit cards, car loan, etc. I would like to buy a house so bankruptcy is not an option for me. I just need some idea on what I can do to make some serious cash, anything really. I am at my wits end, please help?

Stuck in a coffee shop

Dear Stuck,

Yet another sad story of how a degree is unable to provide a decent income. I know many who have advanced degrees in fields such as Art History who do nothing more than sell sandwiches. So my advice to those of you who are considering an education, pick a degree that will make you some damn money.

Have you ever thought about a career in the performing arts? I saw an advertisement recently that was willing to pay hot females up to $2,500 per day just to dance. ( I wish I was a hot female.) I don’t think we’re talking the Nutcracker here, although maybe you could star in a movie called the Nutcracker.  I saw another ad that guaranteed 6 figures per year for any woman willing to star in movies. I know I have suggested a career in the performing arts in the past, so I apologize for being unorgional. Just seems to me like it is a great way for the ladies to make good money.

First though you need to get some head shots, and some pictures of your face as well. Then send the pictures along to me so I can determine if you are suited for a career in the performing arts. Oh no, I just realized, you never stated whether you are a man or a woman. I don’t want pictures of any hairy asses so please don’t send any pictures of that, I don’t swing that way. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, it’s just not for me.

I realize that the performing arts may not be for you. If that is the case then you should consider starting your own business. The government is throwing money at people who claim they are trying to change the world. So find a cause, maybe something to do with the environment or alternative energy, and establish your business.

Now you are ready to make some serious cash. There are many grants you can receive, and you don’t even need consumer demand. In other words, if you have no customers and no hope of actually making a profitable business, you can still get tons of money from the government. Why, because the government likes to waste money on meaningless causes as long as it is supposedly good for humanity. Pay yourself a nice salary and you are all set.

If you want some more information you can go to your local coffee shop and wine about how the world is unfair and you will find plenty of others to network with and help you with your business/cause.

Leave Your Brats Home

Dear Dink,

I was doing some shopping the other day and was dismayed at the behavior of other people’s children. These people just let their kids run around the store unsupervised the entire time I was shopping.

What if the kids got hurt; or worse kidnapped while their clueless parents paid no attention. It is also unpleasant for others who are trying to relax and do a little shopping.

This always seems to happen when my husband and I go out to eat too.

Is it rude to say something to the parents in a situation such as this?

Peeved in Aisle 3

Dear Peeved,

I empathize with this, and this is the reason my wife and I do not go out with our children very often. Yes ladies, Dink is a happily married man and devoted father of 8, so sorry to bust your bubbles (yes I said bust not burst, just another play on words).

Screaming unruly children have no place in public. I don’t understand how parents can go to a nice restaurant and let their bratty kids ruin the evening for everyone else. A fast food joint is one thing, a fancy restaurant with the chairs not nailed down is quite another. I can’t remember how many times my fine dining at the Sizzler has been interrupted when somebody’s little snot-nosed kid hits me in the back of the head with a fry.

Revenge is sweet, and I will help you get even with those parents who choose not to supervise their offspring.

A child running around unsupervised often happens in big department stores. When you see this, approach the parents with a panicked look. Tell the parents that you work for the loss prevention department, and a poorly dressed clown just ran off with their kids. Maybe they won’t care if they let their kids run off to begin with. Chances are they will freak out though. Then smile and say gotcha.
Next time you are at a restaurant and a kid bugs you in any way, you have the right to take action. Hold up your hand in the shape of a gun, and pretend to pull the trigger by pulling your thumb down and pulling your hand back as if it is recoiling. Then give an evil grin as you pretend to blow the smoke away from the barrel (which is just your finger not a real gun).

The parents will probably complain to the manager making it easier for part two of this plan. Tell the manager you are sincerely sorry and didn’t mean to cause any harm. Then order the biggest ice cream sundae on the menu and have it sent to their table. One of two things will happen here. The parents will let their little snotty brats indulge and then have to deal with insanely hyper monsters the rest of the evening. If they do not let their kids have the sundae, the kids will surely throw the biggest fit of their lives, maybe even getting the family kicked out of the restaurant.

Only a small percentage of the population should be allowed to procreate. I actually think you should be forced to get a license in order to have a child. But since that will never happen and an idiot can bring life into this world, just take my advice and we can change this world one brat at a time.

Torn in the Corn

Dear Dink,

I'm 22, almost finished with college, and currently living with my parents. I desperately want to move out of my house, and I would like to live with my boyfriend, but I am vacillating between both sides. I don't know if I should just go ahead and get a place with him or stay at home until I graduate (with all my bills and tuition paid, therefore no financial stress on me).

Torn in the corn,

Dear Corn,

The answer to this riddle all depends on where you want to end up later in life.

If you stay living at home with no costs you may actually have a chance at financial freedom by the time you are 73 years old. This, however, depends on your career choice. Did you major in some meaningless subject like mathematics? What the hell does a mathematician do anyways? I guess mathematicians probably work government jobs which means you won’t have to work your fingers to the bone until you’re 73, might be 54 or 55 when you retire. If that is the case well bravo!

On the other hand moving in with your boyfriend can be rewarding as well. You will be free from your mommy and daddy telling you what you can and can’t do. How old did you say you are?

However, within a year you could be pregnant with your bastard boyfriend’s bastard baby as he decides he isn’t ready to settle down and takes off with your best friend the stripper. Well that will teach you a lesson for having a stripper as your best friend, but I guess they need friends too.

Unable to support yourself and afraid go back to mommy and daddy since they told you this would happen, you yourself decide to enter the dancing profession. You then find yourself addicted to meth and homeless in the mean streets of Dubuque. “Is this hell” you ask the local gas station clerk, and the clerk responds, “No, it’s Iowa”.

Bottom line here is to continue free-loading off of mommy and daddy until they ask you to leave. I don’t care if you are 30 and have a little paper route for your fun money, as long as they are willing to fork over the cash to keep you safe and sound, take the deal.

Tell that bum boyfriend of yours if he wants you to move in he better get a damn good job, a big ass house, and the biggest diamond ring west of the Mississippi. In the words of Beyoncé put a ring on it!

10 Things a Husband Should Never Say or Do

 

Hey all you manly men out there, if you want to avoid landing yourself in the dog house listen up. Over the years, Dink has said and done some pretty stupid things to earn some couch time.

 

Since I dole out great advice I figured I would share some tips to ensure you will stay out of the dog house and still get some action, if you catch my drift. Below are things you should never ever say or do to your blushing bride, and yes they are all true.

 

10. “She eats like a trucker, just not in front of other people.”

• Big no no-I think I got 3 weeks on the couch for that one. In my head it was justified at the time.  My wife and I were newlyweds and had just arrived at an extended family holiday party after going out to dinner. My family insisted we grab a plate and dig in. Of course since I am a manly man I did as I was told and ate even more food. My lovely wife said she wasn’t hungry and received a few blank stares and then more insistence on eating. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable and also didn’t want my family to think she was anorexic. Nonetheless still not a good idea to say your wife eats like a trucker but not in front of other people.

9. When you’re pregnant wife arrives home from the doctor with shingles and a patch over her eye, pirate jokes are not funny.

• “Arrrggghh, what’s for dinner me matey?” I probably could have chosen a different way to approach her. But since she was 8 months pregnant and didn’t want anything to do with me at that point I didn’t have to worry about being cut off, ha ha.

8. Also a good thing not to do when your wife is pregnant with your child and she is in the nesting stage: spill 12 quarts of jarred tomatoes on kitchen floor.

• I still feel bad about that, that’s a lot of homemade chili I missed out on gosh darn it.

7. Something you should remember if your wife has just given birth and had the flu within the same time frame, do not, and I repeat, do not schedule a message.

• Even if it makes sense because you are off from work don’t do it. Even If she tells you to go get a message she is lying. Just don’t go there. Probably a good idea to wait until you are a few months removed from any childbirth/flu situations. Hey, I am a manly man but I will take a massage any day (except for that day of course).

6. If your wife makes her living working outside during all seasons, don’t make comments about how you “love this weather” when a blizzard is approaching.

• Not a good idea to plan blizzard party either. In other words, don’t be honest, pretend you hate     that kind of weather and try to empathize a little with the love of your life.

5. “At least if you slip you will fall into a snow bank.”

• See here I was trying to make her feel better about having to go outside and work in a blizzard. After all, falling into a snow bank is better than falling onto a hard surface or ice, right?

4. Avoid starting any sentence with “By the way..”.

• Whatever it is you are going to tell her probably won’t end well. “By the way, my buddies are coming over for the game this weekend”. “By the way, I spent $200 on some new fishing gear.” You should probably run things like this past your wife first to avoid that damn couch. At least give her the impression that the decisions you are making involve her.

3. Don’t do things that you have no knowledge of, i.e. don’t try to fix anything mechanical if you have zero mechanical ability.

• This will not impress her and will lead to more embarrassment in the long run. I once tried to replace the belts on my riding lawn mower, sounds easy enough, right? Wrong!!! The embarrassment comes when your wife is laughing as you are turning over the lawn mower and a bag of parts to your local small engine repair shop.

2. Make the big anniversary’s count!

• If you have a 10, 15, or 25 year anniversary, plan something BIG that will sweep her off he feet. For example, on our 10^th anniversary when she asked what I thought we should do, in my infinite wisdom I said “I don’t know, what do you wanna do?” Big mistake! We hadn’t been on a real date in quite some time due to a colicky baby, and I thought just going out to eat would be sufficient. Boy how I was wrong. Make absolutely sure you have something grand planned, and not just a dinner or movie date. If you don’t have anything planned and you get that question, stall and say “You just wait, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet honey”, then get to work.

• Also, if you are out to dinner on such an occasion as a big anniversary, any anniversary for that matter, do not order the biggest beer on the menu. A 32oz Tecate at a Mexican restaurant won’t make her think you are worldly.

1. Never, never, ever, ever compare pregnancy or childbirth to a sporting event.

• Sports are a big part of my life, as they are for many men. So in my haste to empathize with my wife and show her that I understood what she was going through, I dared to compare childbirth to a track meet. Before a meet, you are very nervous. As the race begins, your adrenaline kicks in and you haul ass. But you have to be careful not to go to fast, and pace yourself throughout so you have enough energy to finish the race. Once you are to the final stretch, your heart pounding, you book it and give it everything you have until you reach the finish line. Only then do you relax in the exhaustion of what you just went through. Sounds accurate to me, my wife, however, wasn’t amused.

So guys, if you ever want to see your wife naked again heed my advice. Learn from my mistakes so you don’t end up with a stiff back. That’s another thing; make sure you have a couch which is comfortable to sleep on for many nights in a row.

 

Ladies, your man will make similar mistakes. Life is not Sleepless in Seattle.  Simply put, you are a braud and he is a stag. If you expect perfect romance, thoughtfulness, and steady hands all of the time then you can also expect him to come home one day with a rainbow sticker on his car window as he introduces you to his new girlfriend Steve. So put the romance novel down and cut him a little slack.

Computer Fix Is In

Dear Dink,

Whenever I try to use system restore, it tells me System Restoration Failed. I have already tried about 10 different restore points. My system restore IS enabled, it is set to use max amount of HD space it can. I give up!

Hacked Off,

Dear Off,

You've been looking at porn again haven't you? Shame shame shame on you. Porn is bad and that is God's way of striking you down, ha ha.

You could take your system to a computer repair shop and have it fixed in a jiffy. Unfortunately for you, the computer repair geek will see everything you have been up to, you know, the porn you have been looking, among other unscrupulous things, so you are totally hosed.

Fortunately for you though, I can help. You need to wash your computer thoroughly. It is obviously unclean as a result of the porn you have been looking at (shame shame) and it is probably sick with a virus. First, fill up a washtub or bathtub full of water. Then at 2 cups of bleach, awe screw it, dump the whole bottle of bleach in, it’s very dirty.  Then submerge your machine completely and scrub thoroughly with a sponge. I almost forgot, make sure it is not plugged in before you put it in the water; that would be bad. Just to be sure there is no electrical charge, remove the battery. And you may want to stand on rubber matt while washing.

Once you are done washing the machine, let it dry out for a few days. Don't, and I mean don't plug it in unless it is dried out completely, as I said, that would be very bad and injury or death could occur. Actually, you better not plug the machine in to a power source ever again.

Next, take it outside and throw it down on the road as hard as you can and stomp it with your feet until it is dismembered. A baseball bat or golf club would do the trick too. Then put it in a box and ship it back to the bastards who made the pile of garbage in the first place.

Well actually Ching Chong in China isn't to blame; it is the engineers out in Silicon Valley who think they know how to design and program computers, so send it to them instead. Attach a note telling them you dug their computer out of the trash and decoded their hard drive, and now you know "everything" they have been up to, including the porn they have been looking at, and their plans to give machines artificial intelligence and take over the world.

Somewhere there are computer engineers laughing at our incompetence, well now they will laugh no more!

Methodist Mother-In-Law is Going Down

Dear Dink,

I am a Baptist. My in-laws and my husband are Methodists. My husband and I attend a Baptist church. Under most circumstances, I don't pay attention to denominational differences, because I think we're all going to the same place anyway.

The problem is that my in laws, especially my mother-in-law, have made it clear that they don't like the fact that we're going to the "wrong" church. Earlier we even suggested that they could come to church on Christmas Eve with us, and my mother-in-law burst into tears and ran out of the room.

Evidently, the fact that I am not a Methodist offends them deeply. I don't want to join a different church just to please them, though. Any thought on what to do that doesn’t involve hurting everyone's feelings?

Praying for Peace

Dear Peace,

Screw their feelings; they obviously don’t care much for your feelings. As many people often do, they are completely missing the point of religion, church, spirituality, Christianity, whatever you want to call it. For these people it is more about being Methodist or Catholic than it is about being a Christian. You could pray that your mother-in-law be raptured immediately NOW. Somebody give me an Amen!

First of all, you shouldn’t do ANYTHING to please that bitch who bore your husband. I’m sorry, but this is the most ridiculous thing I have heard in quite some time. I did not know the Methodists thought so highly of themselves versus the other denominations. And don’t worry about your husband’s feelings on this; you are the woman and therefore the boss. He doesn’t have any say in this whatsoever.

You should consider becoming Catholic. After all, no one thinks more highly of themselves than Catholics. Then when you get together with your in-laws you could taunt and tease her for being a lowly Methodist. You could even come up with a little chant similar to what you might here at a college sporting event. Just sing, "Catholic Rejects" while pointing in her direction, and make sure to clap your hands to the beat and make it fun; or "The Methodist Church has got to go, hey hey, ho ho".

Another fun thing to do would be to join a holy-roller church. You know, the ones where they dance with rattle snakes while drinking turpentine. If your mother-in-law gives you any guff, just throw a snake in her lap and tell her to zip her lip.

That ought to learn her a lesson. If not, you could always become Mormons. You probably would not approve of your husband having more wives, but trust me on this one. Just think, instead of having just you to hate on, your mother-in-law would have 6 or 7 other daughters-in-law to worry about. That's 6 or 7 other wives in your corner to gang up on her. Then she will have a real reason to shed some tears.

Bloomberg Bans Fun, Demands to be Called “Supreme One”

New York, NY – Mayor Michael Bloomberg is quickly building a legacy as a great protector for the people of New York City by helping people who simply can’t help themselves.

From the ne’er-do-wells who drink too much soda and smoke too many cigarettes, to, God forbid, people who use Styrofoam, the mayor is truly making a difference. In the annual State of the City speech, Bloomberg raised the stakes for his nanny-state yet again.

The following is an excerpt of the Mayor’s speech. The mayor began his speech with some harsh words for his city council.

“As we take a look back at 2012 and look ahead to this year, the state of our fair city couldn’t be better…HEY, Council Speaker Quinn, if you’re not going to pay attention to what I have to say, then at the very least you can keep your snarky off-handed comments to yourself. You know what, I demand to be treated with some damn respect by you people, so from now on you will now refer to me as The Supreme One. Now, may I continue Council Speaker Quinn? Thank you. Bitch.

Now if it were up to me I would make an all about ban on soda, tobacco, alcohol, and foods that make your ass fat, but the city attorney tells me that just isn’t legally possible at this time. So for from this day forth, I am moving to outlaw fun in the city limits. Yes you heard me right, anything fun is done.

You can have your little vices; soda, cigarettes, booze, strippers, I don’t really care, you just can’t have any fun! It’s very simple, if your smoking, you better look constipated and agitated, much the way a stock broker might look on Wall Street. If you’re trying to make a baby, scream from horror rather than pleasure. Remember, anything fun is done.

This also includes anything with the name fun. Fun size candy bars, done. You kids will be thanking me around Halloween for that one. After all, what’s fun about a little mini version of chocolaty heaven? Tell your cheapskate parents and neighbors they are just going to have to get the big candy bars from now on. Oh, you know those fried chip onion ring thingy’s, Funyuns, well they won’t be called Funyuns anymore if those junk-food peddling slouches want to sell them in my city. Also, that band that calls themselves Fun, you know, that band with the lead singer who looks like he could use a few cheeseburgers, well there will be no more shows played here, no radio airplays, nothing from them; carry on someplace else.

And another thing, the next time I bite into a Boston Crème Donut and find frosting instead of custard, I’m going to EXPLODE! Who does that? Use your damn leftover frosting for something else. If any of you pompous windbags continue putting frosting in my favorite fried breakfast, you’ll be banished, to New Jersey.

Furthermore, the next punk kid who throws, kicks, or drops another ball in my lawn, is going to get my foot up their ass! Stay off my grass; and quit cuttin’ through my lawn!

…Now if you’ll excuse me I have to be at my Billionaires of New York Club meeting in an hour. There’s a free open bar tonight and some fine Cubans, and I don’t wanna to be late.”

With that, the mayor, Bloomberg, oops, “The Supreme One” made a dash for his limousine waiting outside. The reaction from the council was mixed; some all in favor of his ban on fun, others very much opposed. Council Speaker Christine Quinn wasn’t at all fazed by The Supreme One’s harsh comments, “I’m just happy to get a little publicity as it won’t be easy to unseat The Supreme One in the upcoming primary”.

This story was originally posted on GlossyNews.com, the 2nd longest running website in satire.

http://glossynews.com/top-stories/politicos-and-polticians/201302210604/bloomberg-bans-fun-demands-to-be-called-supreme-one/#more-35388