|Two Peas in a Pod|
“Yes I believe an American Spring has begun, and I am not talking about the birds and the bees the flowers and the trees,” said a resolute Putin during a television interview on Saturday.
As the reporter smiled off camera at the thought of having such an exclusive, Putin continued with his explanation, “Ukraine was easy, but we have been trying to bring down America for years with no luck at all; they are tough nuts to crack.
“Then last year on Black Friday, two of my sleeper agents were almost mauled to death by a bunch of ditzy broads at a Walmart in Illinois. That’s when it hit me: our testosterone-filled show of force full of nuclear arms and big tanks wasn’t doing jack squat, but selfish greedy American women just may be our answer.”
Putin revealed to the reporter how Russia’s daring plan took shape. “We got wind that Disney’s new movie Frozen was going to be a blockbuster hit, maybe their biggest movie since The Little Mermaid. I really love that movie, The Little Mermaid. Isn’t it great when that crazy chef is chasing the crab all over the castle? Reminds me of when I chased that drunken stooge Yeltsin around the Kremlin. He was half in the bag one time and I jumped out of the closet dressed as Bill Clinton and said boo, 2 days later he resigned and I took over. Oh wow, those were the good old days.
Sorry to get off track, but I am the most powerful man in the world so I can do whatever the hell I want, ha ha. I call the shots, not Washington! I could do some naked twerking on national television with Miley Cyrus and no one could do anything about it. I think I need a lady with some more meat on the bones though…. Would somebody give Miley a cheeseburger or a bratwurst or something, for crying out loud? She is starting to look like Karen Carpenter!”
The reporter did finally get President Putin to elaborate on how he managed to get Americans all riled up into revolution mode. Apparently the Russian Government purchased a massive amount of Frozen dolls in order to create a giant void in the anticipated demand for Elsa dolls after the movie’s release. “We kind of thought those crazy bitches would go insane if they couldn’t get their little brats the hottest item of the year,” Putin stated.
It appears to have worked, as mothers are staging protests all over America for the lack of inventory of the new Elsa doll. Police have had to use tear gas in several instances to hold down the riots at several Disney stores.“While they are dancing in the streets to their rock and roll, drinking their Starbucks, watching their American football, and screaming for more Elsa dolls, they probably won’t even notice the Russian flag rising above their egotistically fat heads.” With those final words from Vladimir Putin, the interview ended as Putin walked off the television set, iPhone in hand, humming along to The Carpenters “Touch Me When We’re Dancing.”