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June 04, 2014

American Spring Has Begun

Moscow, Russia–In a television interview that is rocking world politics, Russian President Vladimir Putin told Sky News the United States is in the early stages of a revolution.
Two Peas in a Pod

“Yes I believe an American Spring has begun, and I am not talking about the birds and the bees the flowers and the trees,” said a resolute Putin during a television interview on Saturday.

As the reporter smiled off camera at the thought of having such an exclusive, Putin continued with his explanation, “Ukraine was easy, but we have been trying to bring down America for years with no luck at all; they are tough nuts to crack.

“Then last year on Black Friday, two of my sleeper agents were almost mauled to death by a bunch of ditzy broads at a Walmart in Illinois. That’s when it hit me: our testosterone-filled show of force full of nuclear arms and big tanks wasn’t doing jack squat, but selfish greedy American women just may be our answer.”

Putin revealed to the reporter how Russia’s daring plan took shape. “We got wind that Disney’s new movie Frozen was going to be a blockbuster hit, maybe their biggest movie since The Little Mermaid. I really love that movie, The Little Mermaid. Isn’t it great when that crazy chef is chasing the crab all over the castle? Reminds me of when I chased that drunken stooge Yeltsin around the Kremlin. He was half in the bag one time and I jumped out of the closet dressed as Bill Clinton and said boo, 2 days later he resigned and I took over. Oh wow, those were the good old days.

Sorry to get off track, but I am the most powerful man in the world so I can do whatever the hell I want, ha ha. I call the shots, not Washington! I could do some naked twerking on national television with Miley Cyrus and no one could do anything about it. I think I need a lady with some more meat on the bones though…. Would somebody give Miley a cheeseburger or a bratwurst or something, for crying out loud? She is starting to look like Karen Carpenter!”

The reporter did finally get President Putin to elaborate on how he managed to get Americans all riled up into revolution mode. Apparently the Russian Government purchased a massive amount of Frozen dolls in order to create a giant void in the anticipated demand for Elsa dolls after the movie’s release. “We kind of thought those crazy bitches would go insane if they couldn’t get their little brats the hottest item of the year,” Putin stated.

It appears to have worked, as mothers are staging protests all over America for the lack of inventory of the new Elsa doll. Police have had to use tear gas in several instances to hold down the riots at several Disney stores.
“While they are dancing in the streets to their rock and roll, drinking their Starbucks, watching their American football, and screaming for more Elsa dolls, they probably won’t even notice the Russian flag rising above their egotistically fat heads.” With those final words from Vladimir Putin, the interview ended as Putin walked off the television set, iPhone in hand, humming along to The Carpenters “Touch Me When We’re Dancing.”

February 27, 2014

Man Asked to Share Feelings

Dear Dink,

According to my fiancée I am having a problem with my feelings.  She will often ask what I am thinking. She says she wants to know what I am feeling, and she often gets angry when I can’t give her a 2 hour speech about what I am feeling.

I know most women are like this, but what the hell am I supposed to do? Short of crying, I thought I have shared my thoughts and feelings pretty well with her in the past. She is becoming more insistent about this, but I just don’t see the need to overanalyze my every thought and emotion.
Please Help!

Expressive-less Jerk

Dear Jerk,
So your fiancée wants to know your every thought and emotion. Well she is a liar, liar liar pants on fire!  Women are always trying to pull this charade. “Tell me what you’re thinking…Why you don’t ever tell me what you are feeling.”   The simple truth is they don’t want to know.

This sounds funny, I know. Take it from me though, an experienced manly man who has been there done that, and someone who has been married for an eternity, women don’t really want to know anything about your feelings; they just like to play the game.

What game you ask? It’s called gotcha. Part of being in a relationship is learning how to read your partner, especially if that partner is a woman. Rather than just come out and say something, women like to play cat and mouse just to see if you can keep up. I think they like to do this to show their superiority over men.

Let’s face it, most men on the surface are not very perceptive. We don’t have thought provoking conversations with other men, and definitely not with other women. If we get out of our comfort zone, there isn’t going to be a whole lot of substance. So if the conversation is not discussing food, beer, sex, work, or sports, then good luck ladies.

Again, women don’t really want to what you are feeling, I really cannot stress that enough. If you start sharing your thoughts and feelings with your woman and, God forbid, if you ever cry in her presence, she is going to start to thinking you are an enormous mangina. Women want us to be strong burly men who don’t show any emotion. This is built into them from the days when we lived in caves and huts, it is simply human nature.

You also have to remember that whatever you say can and WILL be used against you in the court of woman. When your fiancée is asking you what you are thinking and you respond, every word, every facial expression, everything from your direction will be analyzed, internalized, logged and stored for another day. Guys generally can’t remember what women said 2 seconds ago. Women on the other hand remember EVERYTHING, whether it was from 2 minutes ago, 5 days ago, or something you said on May 23rd, 2001. This is not something to take lightly, as you will be punished in the bedroom.

So the next time your lady asks you to share your feelings don’t go into a long explanation. Rather, give her one word answers. “Honey, what are you thinking about right now?” Your response: “Sex.” “What do you want out of life?” Your response: “Beer.” You get the point. Just don’t become a whiny little bitch or you might find your wife in bed with your new neighbor down the road who looks like a lumber jack. Stand up tall and be a man! If you want more wisdom like that, you can find it in my new book, “How to be a Man in a Penis-less Society.”
Now if you will excuse me, my wife told me to get the house cleaned and cook dinner before she gets home. I don’t know if I will have time to go to the video store, can anyone tell me if Sleepless in Seattle is on Netflix?

December 28, 2013

No Gift Rule Causes Rift

Dear Dink,

Now that Christmas Day has come and gone, we will be attending a Christmas party for my extended family. This is a pretty big group, as over 30 people will join in the celebration. It is a good time with good food, and great to see the family, which includes my 3 sisters and their families.

Every year we decide that there will be NO gifts exchanged between us due to the large number of people attending. However, every year, my sisters feel the need to go back on their word and buy gifts for my children, my husband and I, and for our parents.

This has caused me great embarrassment in the past as I thought they were serious when they said no gifts, and I did not purchase any gifts for anyone. The past few years I have decided to swallow my pride and buy gifts so I don't look like a big fool.
It still bugs me though. How can I get through to them that no gifts means no gifts before we go broke? Should I even be upset?

Christmas Boob,
Dear Boob,
This situation is not new, and it happens with most families during the holiday season. You are right to feel upset and slighted. I don't know why people insist on making their loved ones feel bad, but maybe it has something to do with sibling rivalry, or just wanting to be better than everyone else.

I suppose it could be people just like giving gifts and making people feel good. However, I think that is wishful thinking in this day and age of the selfish. But you have come to me for advice, not a detailed analysis of the human psyche.

You should do what I do, just take the money and run! Hey, if they want to shower your family with gifts, let them. Just smile and say "thank you, and we have nothing for you, ha ha, Merry Christmas, have a nice day, bye bye now." This is hard to do, however, and probably won't help with your hurt feelings. That means it is time for more drastic measures.
When it comes time for your party and the "no gifts" edict has been decided, you will come with gifts, and lots of them. You really need to go all out to show up your sisters.

You can start with those bitches that share your maiden last name. Give them the gaudiest most expensive jewelry you can find. As for their husbands, luxury box seats for the big game ought to do the trick.
When it comes to buying for their little brat children, a few boxes full of toys per child would be sufficient. If their kids are a little older, the latest iPad would be a nice touch. If their kids are older yet, you could buy a couple thousand shares of large cap stocks.

Spoiling kids rotten generally makes kids naughty and difficult, and you will gain the added benefit of your sisters having to deal with unappreciative little psychopaths when they go home.
Your parents would just love a luxury cruise to the Bahamas, or Alaska if they are the adventurous type. However, if they are not into puking their brains out for 10 days when they catch the Norovirus, just send them to Branson, Missouri for a week or two. Nothing says love like Elvis and Patsy Cline impersonators, artificial grass carpet rugs, and one-star supper club dining.

When you are through you will go from being a big boob to the favorite aunt and your parents' favorite child. Your sisters will feel embarrassed after they pass out their insignificant crap in pretty wrapping paper. More importantly, they will furiously despise you for your generosity. So sit back and enjoy the show as your sisters scurry around the living room like the little rats they are.

Life today has become a competition. Everyone wants to show their neighbors, friends, and even family what big britches they wear. Yes, it would be easier to say "no gifts," or to just exchange crisp $100 bills, but where is the fun in that?

Take out a loan if necessary and show the world that you are the alpha and the omega, the end-all, be-all of gift givers. This will cost you small fortune, but it will be worth every penny.

December 12, 2013

Chinese President Enraged at No-Touch Zone

Beijing, China--Tensions between Chinese President Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan are continuing to escalate over Peng's controversial No-Touch Zone. While the Chinese President refuses to recognize such a zone, his adviser's are strongly insisting he comply.
Peng Liyuan and Chinese President Xi Jinping

"This is a very slippery slope for President Jinping," according to U.S. State Department Spokesman
Emmett Fitz-Hume. "On one hand, if Xi Jinping refuses to recognize the zone, he could face years of sanctions from Peng Liyuan. On the other, if he agrees to go along with her No-Touch Zone, he will look like a weak pussy to all of his communist party buddies."

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney agrees that this could spell disaster for the Chinese President, "Can you image the ribbing he would receive at the Communist Party of China's Christmas Party, "Hey Xi, heard your wife is enforcing a No-Fly Zone of her own, ha ha ha."

The No-Touch Zone was enacted by Peng Liyuan due to an incident which occurred on Thursday the 28th of November. Jinping allegedly came home late from bowling smelling of alcohol. When Xi was looking for a little lovin', Peng refused and said she had a headache. Jinping apparently refused to listen to his wife and was subsequently forced to "sleep it off" on the couch. Enraged at his wife's refusal to submit, Xi told Peng that he would bag every floozy from here to Hong Kong.

President Obama, who recently admitted being "scared" of First Lady Michelle Obama, has reached out to the Chinese President with some marital advice. In a phone call between President Barack Obama and President Xi Jinping, Obama told Jinping that he should " everything his wife says if he ever again plans to invade her No-Touch Zone."

At the time of this publication there was still no indication if President Xi Jinping planned to comply with the No-Touch Zone. During a trip to the mall for some overdue shopping, Peng Liyuan was heard telling one of her friends that if Xi doesn't comply that she will run him over with a tank in the middle of Tiananmen Square.

One thing is clear, if Peng Liyuan is successful with her No-Touch Zone, she has the potential to become one of the most powerful people in the world.

November 23, 2013

Cheating Bride Threatens Marriage

(Originally published in the Winnipeg Sun)

Dear Dink,

Not two weeks after returning from my honeymoon, my wife cheated on me. She's always been a bit of a party girl and says she was out with the girls and "things just happened." She says it means nothing ... but at this point in a marriage it has to mean something is horribly, terribly wrong, right?

We both cheated while we were dating and agreed that our love was strong enough to push through it. And we are pretty great together. But was I wrong to think that pledging eternal fidelity would at least buy me, I don't know, seven years of it? This woman is my soulmate. My soulmate who can't keep it in her pants.

Can I stay with her?

Soulless Soulmate

Dear Soulmate,

Why did you get married in the first place? Marriage should never be used as a magic pill in hopes of salvaging an already rocky relationship. That being said, it’s a little too late for second guessing at this stage in the game. Now you are harboring feelings of hurt and abandonment. You need to find ways to get over these feelings before you can move forward with your life, and there are several ways to accomplish this.

You could get a divorce, but that can get a bit messy. After all, who will get the house and who will get the Miley Cyrus CDs? If she really is your soul mate as you say, divorce is probably not the option you want to consider. Besides, that will do nothing for your hurt feelings.

You might try this: follow your wife around for a few weeks. If she was acting like a whore within two weeks of your honeymoon, chances are she will slip up again. When she does, you will be there with your camera and giant telephoto lens. Then get the pictures developed and put them in your photo album along with your wedding pictures.

When your in-laws come over for dinner, make sure the photo album is placed strategically on the coffee table. When you all adjourn to the living room for tea and crumpets after dinner, you mother-in-law won’t be able to resist a little peek at the pictures. “Look, wedding pictures! There is dear old Uncle Frank, he really is aging well. And, what’s this…? Oh, dear….”

If you really want to salvage your marriage, though, you probably need to take more drastic action. Your bride seems to think it is okay to sleep with others, and that begs the question why? Perhaps your wife isn’t satisfied with what you have to offer her. Instead of stomping your feet like a little child, you should be dancing in the street, as you have been given a great gift. Women are much more sexual beings than men; this means you need practice, and lots of it.
Think of all the women whom you have wanted to boink over the years, write their names down and start making calls. It probably won’t take long for your wife to find out about your “practice” sessions; women always know these things. When she confronts you about it, tell her you are “doing it” for her.

On the other hand, you could just give your wife an ultimatum. Do you really want to deal with infidelity ‘til death do you part? Or are you going to do something about it? If you really want your wife to be faithful, then you need to tell her it is your way or the highway. Who wears (or doesn’t wear) the pants in your relationship?   

September 14, 2013

Coming Out in Style

Dear Dink,

I am 25 years old and I am gay. I am still officially "in the closet", at least when it comes to my family. I am really struggling with how to tell my parents I am gay and have been putting this off for years.

How should I go about telling my parents? My parents, especially my father, are very traditional, and I am not sure how they are going to take this kind of news. My father has made comments in the past that when I come home with someone it better be "Jill not Bill." These kinds of comments makes me wonder if I should tell them at all. What do I do?

All In

Dear In,

This is a bit of a pickle. I myself am not gay so I can't imagine what you are going through. Though I used to work with someone who is gay, so I think can help. There are many ways you can tell your parents you are gay without actually telling them you are gay.

You could place an ad in the local paper in one of those announcement sections announcing your engagement to Steve, or whatever his name is. Imagine the surprise and delight of your parents when they stumble on that. "Oh look dear, Bridget Stone and her new husband had a baby. Wow, the Anderson's are celebrating their 60th Anniversary. And look, little Stevie Smith is getting married to, WHAT?"

You could send a singing telegram to give your parents the news. You would need to come up with some clever phrase similar to that timeless classic "Lordy Lordry look who's 40." Let me give it a shot, "Hurray, hurray, your son Billie is gay"; "Holy moly, Billie likes Stevie's cornholey", "Nuts and bolts, nuts and bolts, Billie likes nuts." If they don't get the hint from that then you need to up the ante

You could throw a party and invite all of your gay and lesbian friends. Invite your parents and anyone else you want to know you are gay. This is going to be the biggest gayest bash in the history of gay bashes. Hell, make it a toga party.

Even better, you could make it a costume party, and invite all of your cross-dressing gay friends to dress their best. Hire a DJ and make sure they play all of the best gay songs. Of coarse "Its Raining Men" comes to mind. You should also play "Dude looks like a lady", anything by Wham, "If your gay and you know it clap your hands", anything by Queen, and anything by Melissa Etheridge. I love Melissa Etheridge, does that mean I'm gay?

You could play some fun games too: Gay Charades, Bobbing for Bob (similar to Bobbing for Apples), and my personal favorite, Pin the Tail on the Lesbian.

Your father is "traditional" as you put it, well these communication activities I shared with you ought to really make him do cartwheels. There's probably no better way to introduce him to your lifestyle then to throw him right into the mix.

Your parents should definitely be able to deduce that you are gay. Sometimes it is just better to avoid confronting an issue if at all possible.

Seriously, maybe you should man up and tell your parents who you are. You just may be surprised and relieved by their reaction to your news.

September 13, 2013

Gotta Go Right Now

Dear Dink,

I am not sure if you can help me but you seem pretty worldly so I will give it a shot.

I seem to be suffering from incontinence or overactive bladder. This has never been a problem for me until recently. I don't really know if this is physical or just in my head. I always seem to have to "go" at the most inopportune times.

Unfortunately this is becoming very disruptive to my job and my family. Do you know of any little tricks that can help me solve this problem? I would rather make a trip to the doctor as a last resort.

Tinkle in Time,

Dear Time,

Ah yes, sit back, slump down into a comfortable chair, close your eyes and relax. Think of a bubbling brook slowly flowing, trickling, meandering down a mountain side. Water is very soothing, very cathartic, relieving in a way. Water, water, water, the building blocks of life.We all need water in order to survive.

Relieve yourself of all your tensions. Leave your troubles at the water's edge. Think of yourself becoming one with the water. Just like a giant waterfall flowing, no, surging into a lake, your flow of energy can't be stopped.

Rain begins to fall on your head, like an endless shower that can't be turned off. Then the rains begin gushing through the dry desert filling up all of the cracks and gorges. As if it were the first time dry earth has received nourishment, the parched ground gives a giant sigh of relief, ahhhhhhhh, completely relieved.

Still thirsty for more satisfaction, you grab a jug of water and start guzzling it down. Slurping every last bit of water from the giant jug, your heart now pounds from the excitement of hearing the water flowing through the pipes and out of the garden hose. Now laughing with evil glee, you fill up your jug again and douse yourself with the water. Drinking, guzzling, spraying, drenching, the water is dripping all over your head, face, and chin.

Water is flowing over you from every direction. It is a steady stream of pleasure pouring from the faucet of your innermost being. Now open your eyes, you should be completely relieved of all your worries.

Gotta go gotta go gotta go right now? If you didn't have to go go go right now during that little diatribe then I think you are probably cured.

Warning, I am not a doctor or a licensed psychologist. You should seek medical help IMMEDIATELY. Never ever ever follow my advice, ever.

September 04, 2013

Working Man's Blues

Dear Dink,

There is a guy at work who is very annoying. He is always trying to fix things when they don't need to be fixed. He seems to like to make a lot of noise, and the more noise he makes the madder we all get.

He is a very nervous and impatient person. He always has to be doing something and paces around if there is nothing to be done.

We might be okay with his behavior if we worked on a construction site, but this is an office! He is the receptionist not the maintenance man! How can we ask him to chill without making him more manic?

Not Broken

Dear Broken,

It appears your coworker is suffering from Manly Man Lacking Syndrome, or MMLS for short. This is similar to ADD, which is a bogus disorder created by the psychiatric community. To put it simply, he is struggling because he is a manly man bursting at the seems as a result of his feminine role in the workplace. It is actually quite common these days.

You see, most men just don't belong behind the reception desk. They should be out building things, driving trucks and diggers, and generally f'ing things up. I know some of you may disagree with my synopsis, however, this is what nature intended. There are millions of years of human history to prove it, i.e. hunters and gatherers. Men hunt and do the dirty work, and women clean the hut and cook the food. (I'm obviously kidding so save your emails)

So instead of getting all pissed off about his behavior, you need to learn to understand him and what he is feeling. You could suggest to your boss putting him in charge of maintenance. When the coffee maker stops working, ask bucko to fix it. The same goes for the toilet, the front door, and the office copier. If you can harness his energy into something constructive that makes him feel like a man, then you have made real progress.

On the other hand, if he is like most manly men who find themselves in a feminine role, chances are he will not be successful in his maintenance endeavors and will soon realize that he is a woman trapped in a man's body. At this point he will become a she and life will be much easier for him, or her.

Just try to show him a little understanding. I too wanted to be a workin' man. I had a pickup truck, a wheelbarrow, a shovel, and a dream. I even put one of those fancy tool boxes in the bed of my pickup truck. When people called me sir I would say, "Don't call me sir I'm a workin' man." Oh, the town knew when I was coming with the country music blaring as loud as I could crank the stereo. They used to say, "Hey, here comes that dink again." But since I am about as handy as a goat, things didn't go very well.

So here I sit, a quarter past eight, with a glass of scotch and a cigarette, typing away at my computer keyboard like that bitch Ann Landers.

August 25, 2013

Work it Girl

Dear Dink,

There is a guy I work with who I would like to get know a little better. He is cute, intelligent, and just great at everything he does. I would describe him as one of those people that is very magnetic, liked by everyone. You know, the star quarterback type, only better. Yes I have a major crush on him.

I don't think it is his looks and personality that I am attracted to, but his intellect. He is very smart and I would be proud to have him associate with me. The problem is he is always surrounded by group of women and it is difficult for me to get close to him. There is one woman in particular who is always by his side. I'm not sure if she is his girlfriend or just a work wife. These women are mean too. They caught me staring at him one day and gave me some dirty looks. Now whenever they see me these women whisper and laugh amongst themselves as if they are gossiping about me.

I would love to get to know this guy better, but I am not even sure if he knows who I am. Other than an occasional smile while passing we have very little interaction at work. What can I do to get his attention?

Daily Desire

Dear Desire,

This sounds like a cheesy 90's chick flick. I gotta say, I am intrigued. Every time Mean Girls comes on television I have to sit and watch, what a great movie!

You said he has an entourage of women around him, are you sure he isn’t secretly an advice columnist who goes by the name Dink the Shrink, because that sounds just like someone I know; a drink in one hand, a Cuban in the other, and a fine cigar close by (or the other way around). This crush of yours, oh I mean smart guy at work as you tell it, makes me proud to be a man. However, it does sound like you are being made out to be a fool by his girlfriends.

He himself is probably a good guy, and you seem to think he is smart and worthy of giving opinions. The problem may be that you are NOT trying to flirt with him. What do ya say, should we fix those hussies up for good or what?

You can start by wearing some very skimpy clothing to work, I mean skimpy. If you don’t think you will get his attention think again. He is a guy and it won’t take much, but the skimpier the better just to stay on the safe side. In fact, if you would like to send some pictures along my way just to make sure you are on the right track that would be…no better not, I don’t think Mrs. Dink would appreciate that very much even if it is in the name of helping others.

Now when you know you have his attention with your wardrobe, some revealing poses will help get his FULL attention. You know, bend over to pick something up in front of him, and lean over his desk and pick something up, gosh darn it, haven't you seen Legally Blonde or Clueless? These movies ought to give you some lessons in womanhood. The point is to make his girlfriend, and his whole entourage of women as you put it, jealous as all hell. You can try running your fingers through his hair while you talk to him. Rub his.......back a little bit at lunch time (and get your mind out of the gutter).

When you start to do these things, you won’t be hearing any snarky laughs from his lady friends anymore, that’s a guarantee. Those little bitches will probably be waiting for you at the flagpole after work, so be careful and keep your head up, and maybe leave through the back door from now on.

August 24, 2013

Trouble with Bullying Coworker

Dear Dink,

I seem to be having a problem with a coworker, let's call him Bob. This particular gentleman, Bob, is very rude to me.

I am not sure why he is so mean. I have never done anything to him that would make him upset with me. I think it might be a power grab of some kind, as he is especially belligerent with nasty comments in front of our boss.

Normally this would not be a problem, I can deal with difficult people. What I am worried about is how I am viewed by my boss. Will this guy prevent my future growth within my company? I really need help, what should I do?

Cubicle Blues

Dear Blues,

You may not be the alpha male, but it is obvious that he is. If I had to guess I would say Bob is probably in some sort of sales position. Salespeople are a different breed, and there must be some sales rulebook somewhere that requires them to be pushy arrogant know-it-all jackasses with bleached white tooth's and a perfect hairpiece.

It is a great joy to mess with salespeople during shopping excursions, and I can show you how to have some fun with this situation as well. (Before you sleazy sales reps start sending nasty emails, take a chill pill. Surprise surprise-I work in sales too.)

First though, it is time for you to man up and grow a pair, assuming you are a man. I guess it doesn't matter if you are a man these days, as a little shot of testosterone and a butch haircut can go a long way in proving your manliness.

Warning, if you are a professional baseball player, don't ever take testosterone. The last thing I need is to get sued by some three-eyed barbarian freak with five testicles (or tentacles-thanks spellcheck) because I told him to take testosterone and he lost his job playing ball as a result.

As for your co-worker, tell him you want to rumble. Ask him to meet you out in the street, in front of the saloon, at high noon. Actually for this to work make sure your boss close by while you are having a conversation with your buddy Bob.

Then when you are both in front of your boss, tell that snarky little bitch that Broadway Bill's Used Cars called and they have his job waiting. Bob will probably get really excited and leave to go shopping for a new polyester suit and cheap cologne.

Now that Bob is gone, make sure you are still close enough to your boss so he can overhear a conversation with you and another coworker about how Bob is boinking the boss's wife.

Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. You should be just as nasty to Bob as he is to you. Just think of this as life or death, its either you or Bob who will succeed. Do you want Bob's snotty children to eat next week or yours?

That's definitely not advice you will see in your local paper, and probably why your local paper is going out of business. Since the death of Ann Landers, many have maneuvered to take her place as queen of the advice columnist world. Well I will have you know, there is a new braud in town, and his name is Dink the Shrink.

August 17, 2013

Girlfriend Cries Foul Over Photos

Dear Dink,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. Everything was going great with wedding bells starting to enter the picture.

Then one day I was trying to set different ring tones on his phone for him (at his request) and I accidentally discovered pictures of naked women on his phone. Not just a few pictures either, hundreds!

There doesn't appear to be anything illegal here as these all look like adult women. I really love him, but I am hurt and disgusted by this whole thing. I am afraid if I bring this up it may spell the end for our relationship. How can I confront this without losing him?

Fully Dressed

Dear Dressed,

Whatever happened to the good ol' days when a phone was just a phone, and porn could only be found on VHS tapes from the stinky smut store downtown. What's really sad is every time porn is downloaded for free, royalties don't make it to those who spent their time and money to make it in the first place.

Somewhere in Southern California there is an audio technician, graphic artist, grip, camera man, fluffer, and many others whose mailboxes are empty of royalty checks. Worse yet, the money trail doesn't stop there.

When someone downloads porn illegally, delivery people are making fewer deliveries, the local restaurants are selling fewer meals, the car dealer isn't moving as many cars through their lots, house sales start declining, and walla, you have yourself another economic crisis all because because your boyfriend was cheap and selfish and downloaded porn for free without paying for it. How's that for trickle down economics!

The bottom line here is downloading porn without paying for it is illegal. The adult film industry could start hauling people like your boyfriend, as well as little old grandladies, off to jail if this doesn't stop. You could report your boyfriend to Interpol for some sweet revenge. Wouldn't that be something, to see a SWAT team bust down his door for making illegal downloads. That would be an interesting conversation with a potential future employer.

Oh shoot I'm sorry Dressed, I got so wrapped up in worrying about royalties and realized I didn't even answer your question. Here is an idea that I think will work really well.

Throw a birthday party for your boyfriend and invite all of his family and friends. Set up a slide show with his phone and make sure his entire picture collection "accidentally" makes it into the slide show. Make sure you take some pictures of your boyfriend's reaction and post them to your favorite social media website. Might not be a bad idea to get a few pictures of his mother too. That is if the soulless bastard even has a mother.

If your boyfriend doesn't get upset with you and begs for your forgiveness, then you have a dandy of a man and your love is a match made in Heaven. It's not exactly a fairytale romance but I think it can work.

This behavior from your boyfriend actually explains a lot about society. I myself do not have a smartphone, and now I know what you are all staring down at with your "phone" in your hand.

August 14, 2013

Key to a Happy Marriage

Dear Dink,
       My wife and I have been married for about a year. Everything has been great. We just bought our first house together and I can picture a great family life. There are no kids in the picture yet, but we both want kids at some point down the road.
       The problem is we just haven't been getting along very well as of late. Financially we are fine and we both have careers that we enjoy. We just can't seem to agree on anything. I am starting to worry that maybe we made a mistake and we aren't right for each other.
       My friends always joke that my life is over now that I have that old ball and chain. I have heard that before and I know they are joking. But I am starting to wonder if maybe they are right?

-Honeymooner No More

Dear More,
       You have only been married for a year and you still have a lot to learn about marriage. I could write a book on the subject but I don't have time for that now, so I will give you the short version of how to get things back on track.
       There are two words that will not only save your marriage but will give you marital bliss for the rest of your days. These two words will have your wife floating on air and she will find you irresistible. I am truly surprised no one has shared this with you. If any of your genius friends are married they should know these two words well and should have shared them rather than teasing you.
       This is very important and not to be taken lightly. Alright, are you ready for the two magic words? Repeat after me, "Yes dear."
       Those are the two most important words for any married man to know. There are no other words or phrases of any use to you. I will prove it to you.  Here are some scenarios when you should use the two most important words for a happy marriage.
Wife: "Honey, I really like that diamond necklace in the window, will you get it for me?"
You: "Yes dear."
Wife: "Will you turn off that ball game and talk to me?"
You: "Yes dear."
Wife: "I really hate your friends. Will you tell them you can't go out with them tonight so you can stay and rub my feet?"
You: "Yes Dear."
Wife: "You’re going to the football game, today? Oh hell no, we are going to my sisters baby shower."
You: "Yes Dear."
Wife: "Will you make yourself useful and do something around here? Mow the lawn, pick up the house, do some damn laundry, just do something."
You: "Yes dear."
Wife: "You have to stop spending money on food and movies and junk. We're broke!"
You: "Yes dear."
Wife: "I know I said we are broke, but I'm going shopping with the girls."
You: "Yes Dear."
Wife: "You stupid moron, you are the biggest idiot I've ever met!”

You: "Yes Dear."
Wife: "Your beer drinking days are over bucko."
You: "Yes Dear."
Wife: "Don't look at me, don't talk to me, and keep your penis in other room. My belly is the size of a truck and it’s your fault."
You: "Yes dear."
Wife: "No you're not going fishing, I sold your boat."
You" Yes dear."
Wife: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You: "Yes Dear."
       Get the hint? If you ever want to see your wife naked again, "Yes Dear" better become part of your daily vocabulary.


August 11, 2013

Love Conquers All

Dear Dink,

There is a coffee and pastry shop that I have been frequenting every morning for the last 10 years. The coffee is very good, and their breakfast pastries are to die for, not only that it is close to my place of work.

The problem is the help is getting more and more difficult to understand. This shop is hiring more and more immigrants who don't seem to understand or speak English very well. I love this place but I am becoming increasingly frustrated with illegal immigrants taking over this country and not speaking our language.

I shouldn't have to learn another language just to get some damn coffee on the way to work! Is there an easier way to make them understand simple requests when I am ordering my breakfast? Is there some kind of device that will allow me to translate our VERY SIMPLE conversations?

At a loss for words

Dear words,

I think the problem is your hatred for immigrants is actually masking a very deep attraction for people of different ethnic backgrounds. First, you need to stop denying your love of brown people and give in to your deepest desires.

There is a language they will understand, a language that everyone from every part of the world understands. That language is the international language of love.

The next time you stop for coffee and pastries, instead of getting frustrated with the communication barriers, give a wink and and a smile, and introduce yourself as Francisco the Love Machine. Ask the pretty ladies for their phone numbers and tell them you want to teach them the English tongue.

Then text pictures of yourself in different erotic positions. I think they will appreciate your honest intentions at wooing them to your bedroom. (Depending on how well you can take and text pictures of yourself, you may just be perfect for a career in professional sports or politics.)

If, however, they are unresponsive to your attempts at showing them the international language of love, you will need to resort to something more drastic in order to get their attention.

When you order coffee, tell them you want some ice in your coffee. Don't just say I want some ice in my coffee, you need to scream "ICE" as loud as you can. Do it like this, "Can I have some ICE in my coffee please?" Scream ice and mumble the rest, that oughta work. Maybe that is a bit drastic, and I think they might understand more than they are letting on.

I am on the road traveling quite a bit in my professional line of work, and I frequently interact with people of different ethnic backgrounds from many different places in the world. I honestly have yet to run into anyone who does not speak and understand English fluently.

My guess is you have been acting like a giant boob and they are just have a little fun with you by pretending not to understand anything you are saying. So drop the bigoted attitude and start enjoying your interactions with the many different people of the world. Otherwise you never know what you might find floating in your coffee.

Bob Barker Arrested, Rats are Tasty

Chicago, IL - What was it that Bob Barker said at the end of every Price It Right television show, “Help control the animal population, have your pet spayed or neutered”? Barker’s persistent phrase just might have spelled the end to his new career in womanizing.
It seems that as the stray cat population has decreased, Chicago’s rat population has increased tenfold in the last 20 years. This appears to be the case in many of the larger metro areas in the United States.

“Barker got rid of the cats, now he can get rid of the rats”, said City of Chicago Deputy District Attorney Mike Maloney. “We’ll see how he likes his stance on cats when he is up the river in the pen, my guess is he will be taking a much different stance at shower time, if you catch my drift” Maloney added.
Barker’s legal team and publicist have yet to release a statement. A former neighbor of Barker did comment on the situation though, Debbie Stanton lived next door to Barker for 17 years.

"Everyone always thought his statement about spaying and neutering came from his deep love of animals, but he actually hated cats. Bob Barker was an evil son-of-a-bitch who plotted to rid the world of cats. I remember one day he was dropping cats off of his roof into the Plinko board from his game show, I think he was trying to get them to not land on their feet.”

Dale Smith, who lives next to Barker now, was shocked at Barker’s arrest, “He was always very quiet, kept to himself. He really seemed like a nice guy. I never thought he was capable of causing a giant rat problem.”
Maybe rats aren’t all bad. An author from Arkansas is offering up a solution to Chicago’s rat problem. Gerald Arneson wrote the book, “Let’s All Go to the Kitchen and Get Ourselves a Rat”.  “Chicago will fall in love with this lovely cuisine, I’m sure of it. What’s not to love, anything is better when it’s fried on a stick”, said Arneson, who runs a rat dog stand in Little Rock.

Hmmmm, Chicago Style Rat Dog’s, it does have a certain ring to it. Will ketchup be allowed or just mustard and relish?

Arneson also said rat meat is great in chili, for burgers, taco salad, just about anything. “It doesn’t taste like chicken, but it is a very lean meat”, Arneson said as he skinned rats in the garage of his suburban Little Rock home. “It’s kind of like beef, only rat meat has kind of a rotten lettuce smell. Just load that sucker up with salt and sauce and you have yourself a little piece of heaven”.

This satirical story was origionally posted on by Dink the Shrink

July 27, 2013

Easy Transmission Fix

How much will it cost to fix or replace a transmission for a 2005 Pontiac Vibe?

Dear whoever the hell you are,

I think you meant to go to, this is "". Hey, its not your fault your stupid. But since I dispense great advice I will give this a shot.

Actually, you are probably better off asking me anyway because you won't get a straight answer on those help websites. It seems that the no-it-all flamers that answer questions on help forum sites are hellbent on belittling people rather than giving anyone a straight answer. They will give you a bunch of garbage talk like "it depends on where you live", or "the cost will depend on several factors", and then your question goes unanswered. Hey jackasses, just give them a damn answer somewhere in the ballpark, kapeesh?

Now for the problem at hand. Go to your local auto parts store and purchase one of those cool little roll under the car thingy's. It looks like a board on wheels and allows you to roll under the car while laying on your back. The auto parts stores can be daunting if you don't know where to look, but I think they usually put these next to the blinker fluid section.

First, roll under your car and take a look at your tranny. Unless you have some transsexuals living at your place, you should be looking at a long sort of cylindrical piece of metal that looks much like a bomb. Next, take a hammer and start beating the tranny like Tony Soprano. I think it helps if you throw in a few choice cuss words while your hitting the piece of $#!& (trying to keep this PG13).
This is a transmission-beat it senseless

When you come out from under your car throw the hammer across your garage. Then, grab a few wrenches and a screwdriver and do the same with those as well, and keep cussing throughout. Just make sure you hit a wall and not a window or a wife. This process is tried and tested as it seemed to work for my dad when I was growing up. Get in your car, turn the key and take 'er for a spin.

If this didn't fix the problem, then you will probably be better off abandoning your car somewhere, like maybe the corporate headquarters of the company who sold you the $#!&pile in the first place.

Don't bother getting any quotes from a mechanic, or worse, a specialty transmission shop. They will ask for your life's savings and first born child in order to fix or replace your transmission. "Oh, but it takes so long to fix a transmission, its really hard work" is probably what you will hear when they hand you the quote which will come on a dot matrix printout long enough to circle the Earth twice.

In reality, you will probably be able to find a used car for less money than it would cost to actually fix your transmission. Pretty sad, but if they are going make disposable cars and then ask you to bend over when it breaks, it is time we start treating these cars as disposables. Much like a printer or a cheap computer, when it breaks, take a sledge hammer to it and get another one.

Important Disclaimer: Take advice at your own risk. Dink the Shrink, this website, any authors, the administrator, and especially the webmaster are not responsible for damage or bodily injury to yourself or your property, or anything/anyone else. It is probably actually best if you don't follow any of Dink's advice. He knows nothing from anything, he is a self-involved bullshit artist that should not be giving advice to anyone. He still hasn't paid me a dime for all of my hard work and he is a flaming jackass!

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