Weather Balloons Still Causing Confusion

Well, looks like those pesky weather balloons are still causing problems. These obscure tools of science have been used to explain away UFO sightings and government test flights of top-secret experimental aeronautics for over 60 years. The giant wormhole image which was seen over Norway in December is now being explained away as a failed Russian rocket launch.

Those damn Soviets, where's Jason Bourne when you need him. Wait a minute, maybe that wormhole is actually a signal for Jason Bourne, and not a failed rocket launch; kind of like the Bat signal. After all, this image does kind of look like some hip new graphics we might see on a Bourne movie during the opening credits. You don't really think this is a rocket launch, do you?

I'm not saying with absolute certainty that this wasn't a rocket, it very well could be. However, everyone is so quick to explain this away as a rocket or something else we can easily understand, but that doesn't mean they are absolutely correct either. Could it be that a government or governments are testing a new secret technology? We often do not know about secret government projects until years and years after their inception, and that is because they are SECRET. Do you honestly think any government would admit that this was a wormhole, regardless of how it was created? Of coarse not. Although I will admit, I was a little surprised we didn't get the "that was a weather balloon" explanation. How many times in our history science fiction become reality?

Who would have ever thought that: the world is round; we are not the center of the universe; man would fly; man would go to the moon; we would ever invent a weapon that could destroy humanity; you could talk or write to someone who is around the world while at the very same time flying at 500 mph 30,000 feet about the earth's surface; or that we would one day have the ability to track almost every human being on earth? Science fiction may be becoming reality right before our very eyes. I do have one other theory about this image...

it was aliens that created the wormhole, but they aren't coming to destroy planet earth or even to make peace. This was actually another one of Tiger Wood's bimbos, this time an alien bimbo coming to expose yet another affair (three-tited aliens are hard to turn down. Hey, Tiger really gets around.

Was this truly a wormhole, or just another weather balloon, oh, I mean rocket?

Are there really aliens out there?

Will there ever be an end to all wars?

Will the people of Haiti ever recover from what could be the worst natural disaster in recorded history?

Who cares, I just can't wait for the football playoffs to get going again so I can bury my head in that distraction--even though my Packers are done; after all, isn't that what life is all about?

Dink the Shrink

Michael Vick and "The Prescription"

I am going to break from my usual advice column format to comment on the current situation of NFL criminals. First off, I am glad to see that Michael Vick has been given a second chance by both the NFL and the Philadelphia Eagles. What he did was deplorable and disgusting, however, he has served his time, period. We expect convicts to become productive members of society when they are released from prison. There are countless programs to help with just that, so why should Michael Vick be treated any differently? Being a productive member of society for him is doing what he has trained for his entire life, and frankly, is very good at, playing football.


Then there is the case of Plaxico Burress, or "The Prescription" as I like to call him. Mr. Burress was recently indicted on weapons charges stemming from and incident last year when a handgun fell out of his pants in a night club firing a shot into his leg.

Rule #1, don't stick a loaded gun down your pants with the safety off, very stupid (especially for men). Yes, that isn't the brightest thing to do for anyone, especially when a professional athlete of his caliber (no pun intended) injures his leg. Aside from Burress's stupidity, I don't understand why this is such a big freakin' deal. We are guaranteed the right to bear arms by the U.S. Constitution. I know that he did not have a permit for the weapon, and concealed carry is illegal in New York and a felony, but he didn't hurt anyone but himself! Burress did not shoot anyone, stab anyone, or even point the gun at anyone, it was an accident. Although very boneheaded, I just don't see what the problem is. He did break the law, and as with anyone (most anyone) else who breaks the law, he will be prosecuted and punished for the crime. But people are treating him like he killed or raped someone. Do I need to mention Sean Taylor and Darrent Williams?

Sean Taylor was a safety for the Washington Redskins, shot dead in his home. Darrent Williams, a cornerback for the Denver Broncos, shot dead outside of a Denver nightclub. Former Green Bay Packers running back Noah Herron was robbed in his home in the middle of the night; and Texans cornerback Dunta Robinson and his kids were robbed at gunpoint in their home. Fortunately for Robinson and Herron, they are alive to tell about it. My point is that many professional athletes are marked men. They are wealthy, often flashy, and very easy targets because they are in the public eye. I don't blame anyone for carrying a gun for self-defense, especially professional athletes. Anyone who criticizes Plaxico Burress for having a handgun should be ashamed of themselves. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg should be ashamed of himself for his criticism of Burress, and for pushing for the maximum sentence. Burress faces 3 1/2 to 15 years in prison for his offense. Are you kidding me? How long did Michael Vick spend in prison for his dog fighting ring, well it wasn't 3 1/2 years. Cleveland Brown's receiver Dante' Stallworth only spent 30 days in the hole for killing someone while drunk driving. However, everyone is quick to cast Plaxico Burress into the lake of fire for having an illegal weapon. Now remember, Burress didn't shoot, hurt, or kill anyone else, and he didn't intend to, so what's the damn problem? Problem is we have a bunch of nosey elitest snobs, mainly on the East Coast, who want to turn this country into a nanny state. I applaud Plaxico Burress for fighting the charges, and I hope he wins.

New York City's Mayor and District Attorney are trying to make an example out of "The Presciption" in my humble opinion. Let's face it, they are politician's, and they are trying to capitalize politically on Burress because he is an easy target-much the same way smokers have been demonized in this country for political gain. The Mayor and District Attorney have elections to win, and they need to look tough. Real tough big boys, you go get em'.

Answer me this, what if Brett Favre had dropped an unregistered hunting gun in a hardware store full of people, and the gun ACCIDENTALLY went off hitting him in the leg? Do you think they would bring him up on felony weapons charges in Mississippi? I don't think so. Maybe that is because they are a little backwards down there and protect their good ol' boys, but maybe it is because they are not wealthy over-educated elitist snobs who think they know what's best for the peasant class.

Dink the Shrink

Can I Get a Witness

Dear Dink,

I was dating a Jehovah's Witness and was given an ultimatum. I either convert or the relationship ends. I asked for time to process the religion and eventually was dumped because I couldn't decide in a short amount of time. Did I do the right thing?

Knocking on My (and Heaven's) Door


Dear Knocking,

Let me ask, did this person try to talk you joining a vegan society away from modern civilization? Oh wait, that's what cults do. I'm kidding. First of all, you should never feel pressured to convert to anything, at least not in a free society. Spirituality and religious beliefs are very personal choices and should not be forced or rushed. This person cared more about rushing you to convert to a religion that you are not very familiar with than your relationship, and that speaks loud and clear about how they really feel about you. I do understand the desire of this person to be with someone of similar values, especially the same religious beliefs. I believe over 90% of married couples share the same religious beliefs, but the difference here is that most of those couples shared the same religious beliefs before they knew the other. You absolutely did the right thing here in my humble opinion. You have to do what is right for you and not for a relationship when you are at such an early stage in a relationship. However, do keep in mind that what is best for a relationship often trumps individual needs when it is a long-term committed relationship such as marriage. By the way, if you need to ward off a Jehovah's Witness in the future, just hang some wind-chimes by your front door; I hear they are afraid of wind-chimes.

Dink the Shrink
(Question & my resonse origionally posted on Advice.com, Dink the Shrink holds the copyright per Advice.com's terms and conditions)

Time to Cut the Cord

Dear Dink,

I have a problem with my husband and mother-in-law's relationship. They are close, very close. When my husband and I first got engaged she barely talked to me, seemed resentful, and was often rude to me. At that time I just figured she was feeling threatened about losing her only son, and I thought her attitude would go away after awhile. Well that while has turned into 9 years, and I don't think I can take much more of this.

My husband always puts his mother first, and will take her side every time when I bring this or other related issues up with him. Now it's getting to the point that they have to see each other every day, and either he stops by her house after work or she is at our house staying for dinner. To top this off I can't do anything right in her eyes, and according to her, the house can always use more cleaning, my cooking is never good enough, and I am not raising our children properly. I have told my husband I am sick up this and he says I am overreacting or trying to come between him and his mother. I have also tried to bring this up nicely with my mother-in-law, and she just brushed my comments off and changed the subject. I don't want to come between my husband and mother-in-law, but I just want to have my husband to give me as much attention as he does her. Is it unreasonable for me to be asking for this?

Mother-"IN-LAW" Blues

Dear Blues,

You are not alone, I believe there are meddling mother-in-law support groups in most parts of the country. Okay, maybe not, but your problem is very common, so common that one of the most successful sitcoms in recent history actually centered around this very issue ("Everybody Loves Raymond"-great show).

You have every right to have your husband's full attention, after all, he married you and not his mother. First, you need to tell your husband to bend over, and then kick him square in the ass! Hey, if talking and reasoning doesn't work, maybe a kick in the butt will. Next, you need to tell your mother-in-law to BACK OFF! Back off bitch my get her attention even more. If those ideas don't work, you should then make fun of your husband about how he is still taking his mother's milk. Tell him that he is a big boy, and his little mommy can't change his poopy diapers anymore. If he wishes to act like a child and cow-tow to his mother's every move, then treat him like a child.

I'm obviously giving you advice that might be a little over the top, and you shouldn't actually kick your husband. My greater point is that you need to be more aggressive. Take charge of your life, your marriage, and your husband. Feminists fought for years to give women the power to control and change their men, and you need to take that opportunity and run with it. Be blunt and open with your mother-in-law. Tell her you need more space and that you think it is ridiculous how much time they spend together. And for heaven's sake, DON'T BACK DOWN. Your mother-in-law may not like you for it, and you will probably get the cold should for some time, but that isn't any different than the way you treats you now, is it? At least you will get what you want, and believe it or not she will probably respect you for it. Listen, people actually get divorced over this, and that in itself is ridiculous. You have the power to make your life right without losing your husband or your mother-in-law. Trust me, if you don't take control now, there will come a day when your mother-in-law will want to move in with you and your husband, and maybe that time is soon, depending on her age. If you do take control, you might actually be able to stuff her in a nursing home and get even, ha ha ha ha ha. It's time to cut the cord that bonds your husband and his mother together. Actually, maybe you could mime this action next time they are together in the same room with you. Stand between them and make a cutting motion with your fingers, and when they ask what you are doing, tell them you are cutting the cord. This will get the discussion going, if you piss them off, who cares, at least you will start the discussion and get a good laugh.

Dink the Shrink

Pregnant Wife is a Monster

Dear Dink,

My wife is pregnant with our second child, and she is becoming increasingly hostile towards me almost to the point of physical abuse. She is verbally abusive by swearing at me and calling me demeaning names. I am really trying to be understanding to her situation but this is becoming increasingling difficult. I don't remember things being this bad with her first pregnancy. I fear we are losing something special that we had before we decided to have kids. I am at my wits' end-please help!

Sleeping on the couch, Paducah, KY

Dear Sleeping,

I have just one word, VASECTOMY!!!

Just kidding. It's time for you to step up and be a man. Your wife is going through one of the happiest yet most difficult things she will ever experience. Her hormones are raging, one minute she is elated, the next she wants to do away with you. Show as much understanding and compassion as you can muster up, and for God's sake DO NOT argue or fight with her in any way. If she is screaming and swearing at you, simply ask what you can do to remedy the situation. You may not get the response you are looking for, but if she truly loves you for you and not for your baby making abilities, she will really appreciate your understanding and compassion, and will probably tell you this after she cools down. I speak from experience and have been through the same situation. Type your question into any search engine and you will find thousands of other men who share your pain, so you are definately not alone. You can also try to have a sense of humor about things for your own mental health. I'm not saying you should laugh at your wife when she is ranting and raving, unless you want to live to see your new child. Just laugh to yourself about the situation, because it can be quite comical to step outside of the situation and look in. Some women might not ever come back around because they only got married to bear children, and essentially used their men to do just that. Eventually when the kids are grown up and the out of the house, only then do they want to have a relationship that is healthy and respectful for both spouses. But often times it is too late, and the the man already has one foot out the door if he hasn't already had an affair. When the man does leave the woman wonders why and thinks she is the victim. Well if you ask me these women get what they deserve when they ignore their husbands for 20 years. These women are hippy bitches and I really hope your wife does not fall into this category; but if you suspect she does, you need to seek counseling from a licensed marriage therapist or religous leader.

The bottom line is to use a little common sense, your wife is going through a tough time for the benefit of you both, cut her a little slack. Just remember, women wouldn't be here if it wasn't for our rib.

By the way, you are writing to me from Kentucky, if your married to your sister, ignore everything I just said as nothing will apply to you.

Dink the Shrink

ADHD or B.S.?

Dear Dink,

My 12 year old is showing signs of Attention Deficet Disorder. He is very hyperactive and his teacher at school has had to send him to the principal's office more than once for his hyperactivity. We are having a conference with his teacher and the school psycologist in less than a week, and want to know if we should listen to all of their advice, or take it with a grain of salt and see our family doctor as well.

Anxious in Seatle


Dear Anxious,

You should be concerned with your upcoming meeting with your son's teacher and the school pyscologist. Why? Because they have the tendancy to suggest presribing dangerous drugs for normal childhood hyperactivity. Think back to your childhood, were you often anxious while in school, looking out the window waitng to go outside for recess? What kid wants to be stuck inside anywhere, especially when it is nice outside? Do your own research on ADHD, and definately take your son to the family doctor for an evaluation. Your family doctor can also make a recommendation to see a pyscologist. You may want to see a dietician as well, it could be that you are not giving your son the proper nutrition.

Many parents today are too busy to actually take care of their families, which leads me to wonder why they had kids at all, but that's another topic for another day. Also, is your son spending too much time inside playing video games or watching television? This is another common mistake parents make. Unplug the T.V., computer, and video game console, and push the little brat outside to play. Playing baseball, riding a bike, playing hopscotch, whatever, are all great ways to run off excess energy. It's also great exercise both physically and mentally. Try those things first before you let some quack put your CHILD on psycotropic drugs. Take son's teachers advice and dismiss it, but listen to the school psycologist with a grain of salt, and then go to your family doctor. Your son's teacher is most like not qualified to do anything but teach him the ABC's, and it really upsets me when I hear stories like this. Teachers need to have a little more patience and common sense when it comes to watching over CHILDREN. Now I know there are actual situations where ADHD is a serious problem and drugs may be necessary, but from the research I have seen it is not nearly the problem others make it out to be. So do take this seriously until you know one way or another what the problem really is.

What ever happened to kids being kids anyway-watching the grass grow, playing ball, and running around outside until they can't run anymore is what we used to do when I was a kid.

Dink the Shrink

(This was taken from one of my origional columns and origional portions were omitted for time and space constraints.)